Perfection

No one under the sun is more concerned with perfection than a woman in her 30s who is getting married for the first time.

Yesterday I went to a fabulous store in the Gift Center on Brannan called Hyegraph that specializes in wedding invitations. This store offers a 20 percent discount off of the total cost of your order if you mention the "Here Comes the Guide" website. I knew immediately that this was "my" store.

When I arrived, I discoverd that not only do they do wedding invitations, but they also sell ring bearer pillows, guest books, guest book pens, photo albums, the list goes on. It's a one-stop shop for all your wedding trinket needs. I had to resist the urge to buy a ring bearer pillow on the spot. I figured it might be good to buy it when the fiance and I return together.

While I was browsing through the five hundred books of wedding inivitation designs my attention was drawn to a couple sitting at the next table who was placing their invitation order. Originally I took note of them because I heard them say that their wedding date was June 16th, one day before mine. My first thought was, "Great! I'm finally ON TIME with something." If _they_ are just now placing there invitation order, then I'm not late in placing mine. I could tell by the look of the couple, that THEY woudn't do anything late.

As the couple's invitation ordering conversation continued with the sales person, I overheard a few bits and pieces. They wanted THIS to be olive colored but not THAT. And they complained about the the fact that figuring out the wording was the most difficult part of the whole invitation ordering process. At the end of the conversation the groom said,"One more thing to check off our to-do list!"

It's like a club that you join... The Wedding Planning Club. Everyone in the Wedding Planning Club has a "To-Do" List and your sole purpose in life from the minute you get engaged until the moment you say "I Do" is to check things off of the "To Do" list. You have no other purpose in life. You are ruled by The List and The Due Dates and Deposits and the Balances Due. You don't pay attention to your career. You forget to socialize. You only go to the gym because your arms will look fat in your strapless gown if you don't. You pay attention to the people who are in your wedding party and the parents who are making financial contributions, and ignore everyone else. And you check, check, check things off your To-Do list. Sometimes you do things, just so you can check them off the list. Sometimes you check things off the list that you don't plan to do and will never do, just because it feels really good to put a check in a box on "The List."

So this couple was IN the club... basking in the glory of another checked-off list item. But alas, just as the guy was beginning to feel some sense of relief as they put that all-important "check" next to the "Order Wedding Invitations" line item, his fiance started complaining about her ring. I couldn't hear the entire conversation. But I did hear the most imporant and poinient part. The bride said, "We HAVE to go to back the jeweler because I really DO NOT like how the stone is placed in the setting!" When I heard this I wanted to explode with laughter. Was she kidding? She said it with such angst and disdain. She was clearly focused on nothing other than the probably totally imperceptable imperfection of the exact placement of her stone in her ring's setting. There was nothing else in her mind or in her life other than this imperfection. She couldn't even bask in the relief of checking off a major "To Do" from her list. The very second that they finished ordering their invitations, she began complaining! The groom responded with some vague reassurances. In that moment I thought that the groom should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for putting up with this woman and her absurd fixation. The bride stood up from the table and went to the sales girl at the counter. She asked with pointed urgency, "So when will this order be called in? Will it be tomorrow?!?!" The implied message was that the order better be called in tomorrow or else there would be hell to pay. Again I lauged internally at the absurdity of the bride's urgency with every detail. The sales girl made some noises about how the store owner was out sick so she didn't know exactly when the order would be called in. I thought for a moment that the bride would explode. I could sense her desire to explode, in fact. "Oh my, why is he sick? Is he okay???" She didn't care about the store owner. She cared about her invitations, and moreover the timeliness of the ordering of her invitations. The groom leaned over and gave the bride the sweetest, most endearing kiss on the forehead. What is it that allows men to be able to put up with the insanity of the 30-something bride? I could tell just by looking at this woman that nothing was perfect enough, nothing was fast enough, and nothing was satisfying enough for her. The poor thing. I was so glad in that moment that I was not her. And then... of course I realized... that I am her.

For the past four days I have looked at my two front teeth in my rearview mirror of my car just about every 30 seconds or whenever the traffic patterns would allow. I can't decide if the color is okay. And I need to look at them five hundred times every day to figure out if I should go back to the dentist or not. When I was looking through the books of invitations, I kept asking if there was another book with this sort of thing or that sort of thing that I could look at. What was put in front of me was not good enough. I kept wanting there to be something else. Something better. Something different. Something - perfect. Thank goodness my fiance picked out the ring on his own. I love the ring, exactly how it is, because he picked it out. If I had had to pick it out, we'd still be looking at rings. And I'd be going back to the jeweler every other day having the stone re-set and re-re-set and re-re-re-set. But because my fiance picked it out, it's perfect as-is. It's the sentimentality factor. If he does it, it's sentimental and perfect. If I do it, it cost too much and no amount of human inspired craftsmanship is perfect enough - not in cosmetic dental work, not in the setting of stones in a ring, not in the graphic design or printing of Save the Date cards, not in anything. Nothing is good enough.

I cannot figure out why brides are chronically dissatisfied, eternally anxious about planning, and expect the precision of brain surgeons from every wedding vendor they encounter. The sales person said to the couple, "I always tell people that it's only ONE DAY." I guess that's code for "chill out, bitch" - which is what she probably really wanted to say to the bride. And here I thought I was the only person on the face of the earth who was obsessing about details. At least I've never questioned whether or not my stone was properly put in it's setting. Whew - one less thing to worry about.

I didn't actually order any invitations yesterday. I found some things that I liked at that store. But I didn't find anything that was perfect.

Absurdities

Okay. Yesterday I spent THREE HOURS painting silver glitter on the Save the Date cards.

Right now I am trying to format address labels for the Save the Date cards so that they line up properly in my make-shift microsoft word template so that I can print them to my fiance's printer that is running out of ink...

Last week I paid two thousand dollars to have veneers put on my top two front teeth so that they can finally be the same color. You see, they haven't been the same color since I was about 10 years old. Somehow I acquired a partially dead tooth. I never cared. Until now. I want to be able to smile freely on my wedding day and know that that the photos will look o-kay. So I paid two thousand dollars and suffered through three weeks of embarassment (more on that later). On Friday, I got my new teeth. The only problem is, they still aren't the same color. Apparently veneers are not entirely opaque. Who knew? So, although the veneers are actually the same color, they are not the same color in my mouth. So I'm two thousand dollars poorer, and my teeth are still two different colors. What is wrong with this picture?

As I was stuffing the Save the Date cards, I noticed that one envelope got mangled as it went through the printer, and 19 of the envelopes were printed on the wrong paper stock.

I've asked my fiance upwards of 25 times for his mailing adresses. I still don't have them.

I've decided to start lifting upper body weights, because I'm wearing a strapless gown. Maybe I should just stop eating for 4 months. Then my arms will look great, and I won't have to go to the gym.

My fiance asked me today if I wanted to register for fine china and/or silver. I have no idea what I want to register for. What should a couple in their late 30s / early 40s register for? We already have two entire households. Can we register for a new house altogether with low property taxes and two separate offices?

Yesterday the six year old girl who is the daughter of one of my bridesmaids and also the flower girl in the wedding saw the Save the Date cards spread out all over the dining room table. She asked me if I was marrying my fiancé, my fiancé's ex-wife, my fiancé's son, or my fiancé's dog. She wasn't exactly sure who I was marrying. I told her that I was marrying my fiancé. She replied, "You shouldn't marry him, you should marry the dog."

My dress is here!

I ordered my dress one month ago. And I _just_ now got a call from Marie at Paris Connection telling me that my dress is here! I'm so excited! Now it really feels like I'm getting married! My dress is here! I'm so excited! Wait... did I tell you that I'm excited! I have to add some more exclamation points!!!!!!!! It's supposed to take 6 months to get a wedding dress. That took 1 month. Wow. How exciting.

Priorities

On my makeshift desk here at John's house I have four bills: a PG&E bill, a health insurance premium bill, the Florist's contract/deposit bill, and the bill for the wedding website domain name registration. I only have two checks in my purse. Which two bills do you think I paid? Correct! I paid the florist's deposit to reserve her services on our wedding date and I paid for the wedding website domain name registration so that the wedding website wouldn't be shut down. Who cares if the heat and gas get shut off or if my health insurance runs out???

Who Knew?

Did you know that you can have a bridesmaid's dress made from scratch for about a third of the cost of ordering a dress from a store, paying for a rush fee to ensure enough time for alterations, and then the cost of the alterations? Future brides - call a local seamstress and have a conversation with her as part of your dress shopping research. This approach may not be good if your bridesmaids are all over the country. But if they are all local - it may be worth your while. We are having our dresses made. It's not as expensive as you'd think it would be. And it's actually easier than dealing with the stores. Maybe I just happened upon a phenomenal seamstress. If you live in San Francisco let me know - and I'll pass her name along.

Taking Votes

Now I can't decide... should the "Save the Date" card say...

Save the Date!
Bride and Groom (first names only - names removed to keep some semblance of privacy here...)
Are Getting Married

or should it say...

Save the Date!
Your presence is requested at the wedding of
Bride (first and last names)
And
Groom (first and last names)


I've got two votes for the first option and one vote for the second option...

Floral Design

The services of a floral designer either cost $1500 or $4000. There is nothing in between. You can either buy JUST bouquets and boutineers (sp?) for $1500, or you can do the expected amount of floral design for $4000. When I read on Nancy Liu Chin's website that her minimum order was $4,000 for a Saturday or Sunday booking.. I actually gasped. Out loud. I thought that spending $2,000 on my dress was a splurge. Ouch. If you are wearing a dupione silk dress and your wedding is at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco, do you think it's okay to not have flower arrangements on the dinner tables? I didn't think so. Pretty much... you have to have the flowers. But here's my question... where do you think my $4,000 worth of flowers will be on June 18th... the day after my wedding??? Well, I guess they will eternally look good in the photographs and the video. Wow.

I love my floral designer. Her name is Sharla Flock. She understands me. But she's still charging me $4,000 for my flowers.

Just Relax

Tonight I had a drink. If you are planning a wedding... don't forget to occasionally have a drink. Planning a wedding is extremely stressful. And if you are in your 30s and you actually work... you are probably the main wedding planner AND you are meeting work deadlines at the same time. Has your fiancé complained that you are too distracted and too overwhelmed? Has someone, or more than one person, suggested that you hire a wedding planner to delegate tasks to even though it would cost $50 per hour? Do you find that you are constantly sleep deprived? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then you should probably have a drink... unless you have a problem with that sort of thing. Tonight I had a drink. I have a drink about once every 2 months. In general when I want to relax I do yoga, go to the gym, have intimate relations with my finacé (a hem), watch Desperate Housewives, you get the picture. But unfortuately, all of the aforementioned relaxing activities require extra time. Who has EXTRA time when you are planning a wedding? If you are planning a wedding and you find that you don't actually have EXTRA time to relax, then just have a drink. Or two. If you can have a drink and also listen to great live jazz music at the same time - even better.

Time Management

Today I planned to spend from 10 am to 2 pm shopping for bridesmaid dresses. Instead I spent from 10 am until 6:30 pm plus another half hour later in the evening on-line all devoted to this activity. What's wrong with this picture? If we can find the perfect dress, then it will be worth it. But really... it consumed my day.

A message to future brides: do not plan to do anything else while you are planning your wedding. If you can figure out how to survive without having to show up at a job during this time period, that is ideal.

Also - do not bother envisioning what you want to wear or what you want your bridesmaids to wear until you've taken yourself and your real-life bridesmaids to the stores and actually figured out what really looks good. And don't look at fabric colors on the Web. And if the stores tell you to allow 3 months for ordering the dresses, then allow 4 months. And if one of your bridesmainds shows you a picture of what she thinks will look good on her - trust that she knows her body better than you do... and don't try to morph the "look" into something else. Just go with the thing that looks good. Because you will have your wedding photos for the rest of your life... and you really want everyone to look good in them. Oh yes - and most importantly, choose to visit stores that have a lot of real estate. The bigger the store, the more variety in dresses. Hind site is 20/20.

So much for delegating

When I started this wedding project I had made the definitive decision to ABSOLUTELY NOT design anything for my wedding. If you know me... then you know what I'm capable of doing: costume/clothing design, lighting design, interior design, graphic design including invitations - save the date cards- place cards - mailing labels - the list goes on.

Why should I not design anything? Because it's too much work, and I don't have that much time. I've made invitations for other people's weddings and other events in the past. I've curated gallery exhibits. I designed my new bathroom and acted as the general contractor on the project... it's all very energy and time consuming. I wanted to sail through this wedding planning process without the added task of having to be creative on top of all of it.

Then I started looking at Save the Date cards, just yesterday. The problem is - I want what I want. I can't walk into a store and just buy "whatever." I really want what I want. I had an appointment at Union Street Papery. The girl pulled out two boxes of sample cards and I immediately rejected all of them because they require a 2 to 3 week turnaround for offset printing and we don't have the time. So I have to print it in-house and go for the 3 day turn around. I was immediately disappointed by the sample prints from the in-house inkjet and laser printers that they showed me. But I just had to suck that up. Then I started looking at paper. I figured, if the printing was of a lesser quality I could dress it up with a nicer card design. I spent an hour and half in the store and found something that I liked which involved illustrations or illustrated design motifs. Then I saw the envelope that came with it and it was the cheapest thing I'd ever seen; the color of the envelope did not even match the color of the paper. I had to leave the store to go to a floral appointment (which you can read about in a different blog entry). After an hour-long floral appointment I schelped around to two other stationary stores trying to find something that fit my ideal: burgandy, silver, white, cute, appropriate for a Save the Date wedding card, not too crazy, ideally had metallic accents, wasn't bright red, was the right size to fit the information, came with a decent envelope, could be run through the laser printer and didn't cost more than a dollar fifty per item. Forget it. You can't find that in one day. I came across a lot of illustrations of the Golden Gate Bridge, which I liked because that is in the view from the lawn in front of the Legion where the ceremony might take place. But the illustrations were always a little strange, a little off, or not how I would have drawn them. And then I realized, that if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.

So I bought plain card stock and a very nice envelope (which cost a third of what it would cost to buy the "designed" card with the crappy envelope) and I went home and drew an illustration of the front facade of the Palace of the Legion of Honor. I'm a designer. I can't help it. It's like a compulsive thing. Once you've made something the in the way that you envision it - that's it. You always want to do it that way. Thank goodness I didn't get this epiphany when I was dress shopping. Or I'd be buried underneath an unmanageable wedding dress project right now. I think my true calling is illustration and graphic design. Because when it comes to that stuff, obviously I just can't help myself. I have to do those things exactly my way.

I'm very excited about my Legion of Honor illustration. It looks exactly how I want it to look and it's very personalized to our event. Writers and marketing people are fond of reminding you that the Save the Date card sets the "tone" for your event. I interpret that to mean that how you handle the Save the Date card is an indicator of how the remainder of the event will go. Probably true. Or maybe not. Maybe I read way too much into things. Either way - I got what I wanted: something in my color palette, with a design that is very personal and appropriate for our event. Sometimes it's good to just do it yourself. I also saved about $75 by just doing the text and layout myself as well. And John was a stellar copywrite editer on the project. He whipped that text right into shape. Why would we pay someone to do this, when we are so good at it ourselves? Maybe we should start a new business...