Etiquette Schmetiquette

Item number Five Thousend One Hundred and Tweny Four on the master To Do List is:

- Figure out the invitation wording

It's harder than you think. On my fourth visit to the stationery store in the Gift Center there was another bride who was trying to do this (by herself) on the spot. I had known enough to plan ahead and figure that out before even going to the store. I had it all typed up (I was so proud of myself!). So I handed her my invitation wording. But my invitation has my parents inviting the guests... in their case, the couple is inviting the guests. So you can't use the same wording. She called her fiance on the cell phone, "Alex, do you want your parents' names on the invitation???" This is just the beginning. Planning a wedding is all about making choices. Approximately Five Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Four choices, give or take Two Million.

It took me a full week to figure out the wording on the invitation. And I learned some interesting things in the process. I did not anticipate the complexities. In general, you can just put "whatever you want." But I just had a good friend ask me via email, "What should we wear to So and So's wedding?" The couple did not indicate the preferred attire anywhere in their invitation package. Nor did they indicate whether or not I could bring a guest (nor was my fiance's name on the invite). If you do it right, your guests are ideally not left with a bunch of important questions. The other reason that I wanted to research the topic is because I am getting married in the evening at a Museum. So a certain level of formality (or atleast respect for the facility) is expected.

So I researched it. Did you know that "request the honour of your presence" is only to be used when the wedding is in a house of worship? If it is in a secular location you are to write "request(s) the pleasure of your company." I hate to say it, but "request(s) the pleasure of your company" kind of sounds like you are inviting people to a love-fest (read: orgy - if you want to be truely honest about it...) But that's the etiquette rule. If you really want, you can say "request(s) the honour of your company." But that does not sound as good as "honour of your presence." And realistically, if you have 150 people at the wedding, you're asking for their presence. You probably won't have enough time, with all of those people there, to enjoy everyone's company. But they will still be present, which is what matters. Semantics.

Oh yes, and you can spell "honor" as "honour." With the "u" is the more formal spelling. My parents hated it. They thought "honour" was too stuffy. You can do it either way. But you have to be consistent when you write "favor" or "favour of a reply" on the response cards.

And if you are going to be truely formal, you use your parents titles (Mr. Mrs. etc.). Well my parents are Doctor and Honorable. They did not want their titles. Too stuffy. So we put their first names.

And! Apparently in Jewish weddings sometimes the bride and groom's names are connected with an "and" instead of a "to." Mary Jane "to" John Doe Smith or Mary Jane "and" John Doe Smith. It's a little thing. But it's choice number Five Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Five. And? or To?

Oh yes! Then... I was going to set the arrival time for 5:45 pm. That is what it says on our Save the Date cards. But, you are not supposed to write numerals on the actual invitation. Everything is spelled out. So, it usally says "at five o'clock in the evening." Or "at half past five in the evening." I wanted to write 5:45. So, is it "five fourty-five in the evening?" Or is it "A quarter TO six?" Or "At quarter OF six?" Three-quarters past five??? This was actually a twenty minute conversation with my parents. Then it was another twenty minute conversation with my fiance's mother who teaches English. Each person I consulted had a different answer. My parents said, "at quarter to six" (or maybe they said quarter OF six... now I can't remember...). My future Mother in Law said five fourty-five. AND, I could not find the answer to this question anywhere on the Internet. I spent more than an hour looking for the answer to this specific question. It's not that it was THAT important, but I just wanted to know. After much thought I settled on five fourty-five. When I submitted my text to the owner of the stationary store, he told me that in his 20 years of experience in the business he had not written :45 on an invitation more than a handful of times. It's just not done. Whowouldathought? So after all the investigation, I changed it to half past five anyway. The coordinator thought I should set it for six, but then admitted that she's always prompt. My mother thought we should set it for half past five thinking that people would be looking for the mis-placed gift or getting lost on their way to the location. I opted for my mother's level of caution. It's a park. The view is gorgeous. People can hang out for an extra 15 minutes.

Additionally, you are not supposed to put the attire on the invite itself. That is because in Victorian times, everyone KNEW what they were supposed to wear. Today, it's mass chaos. And it's even worse if you live in California (Who ever said that casual was better?). My mother told me today that she has to buy a dress for my wedding. What? People don't own simple cocktail dresses? We set the attire as "Black Tie Optional or Semi-Formal Attire." So it's: wear something nice and decent but don't knock yourself out if you don't want to. Now people are stressed about what they are going to wear? Oy vey. I wanted a day time wedding... because I like the sunlight. But the museum doesn't do daytime weddings. And the fiance liked the idea of the more formal event. Okay. You all have to go buy a dress now. Sorry. Guys: wear a tie. Oh, yes... I came across a new term in my research: Creative Black Tie. Look it up. I almost put that on the invitation. Because I liked the way it sounded. And because I am creative. And I think it should be okay for people to wear a tux with a black shirt and no tie. Why not? It's still dressy. Well one of my bridesmaids who plans events for a living said that sometimes people interpret that as "Costume Okay." I don't want costumes. So I took it off. My mother said that it was just as well, because people wouldn't know what it meant anyway.

Why do all of the rules exist, if no one knows what they mean? Why have rules, if people won't follow them anyway? Why care about etiquette when people don't even know what the etiquette is?

Do you know why wedding invitations often come with double envelopes? In Victorian times, the mail was carried on horse back. So the outer envelope got dirty. Additionally, a servent usually removed the outer envelope before presenting the mail to the man or woman of the house. Today an inner envelope allows you to indicate that a single person may bring a guest. It is apparently not kosher to write "and Guest" on the outer envelope... according to etiquette. So you write: "Ms. Jane Doe" on the outer envelope, and "Ms. Doe and Guest" on the inner envelope. What's a bride to do sans inner envelope? Go against etiquette and dirty up the outer envelope or call every single guest to explain that they can bring a friend? Who decided anyway that "and Guest" was improper on the outer envelope? I read somewhere that supposedly the post office doesn't like "and Guest" on the outer envelope, which makes absolutely no sense.

And what about that pesky piece of tissue paper? In earlier times, the ink on the invitations would smear on to the adjacent paper pieces. So layers of tissue were inserted to prevent the ink from smudging.

Why do we use two envelopes and tissue paper today? Apparently because people haven't realized that the modern post office hasn't delivered more than one piece of soiled mail in thirty years and because they think that the printing process hasn't advanced at all in the past 100 years. My invitations have one envelope and no tissue.

It took me no less than FIVE visits to the stationary store to complete the invitation ordering process. I had to chose a style. Papers. Ink color. Font style. Layout. Enclosures. At home I typed up everthing and even made an exact layout of what the front cover should look like with the names, date and illustration. They got it wrong in the proofs, of course - despite my meticulous notes and visual aids. Why do I care so much? I don't know. Maybe I really want to be an event planner. I just care. I don't know why. I agonized of over the exact paper choice when our first choice was no longer available. I cared. Immensly.

I studied theater design for 7 years. A large wedding is a theater production. You have costumes, sets, and just yesterday I called Impact and Phoebus - two bay area lighting companies. You have to light the rooms. The space only comes with can lights in the ceiling. We talked colors, angles, gels, patterns. Seven years of college level training... so that I could produce a wedding. I'm trying to imagine whether the men can wear only the dark red fabric of the bridesmaid's dresses as a pocket square or whether the ties and cumberbunds or vests should be the same color. Right now I'm leaning towards dark red pocket squares and silver ties/cumberbunds/vests. Michael at Black Tie Tuxedo thinks that everything should be black. I didn't study costume design for SEVEN YEARS to make everything black!!! I care because it is my art. Are weddings art? They can be.

The invitation is a passion. The colors, the wording, the papers. I hired a calligrapher. I found one on Craigslist for a very reasonable rate. You just care, when it is a passion.

So my inviation wording is a mix of formality and personal touch. First names are used and "honor" is spelled in the American way. It's a Jewish wedding so I chose "and" instead of "to." We are not in a house of worship... but I put "honor of your presence." It just sounds right. Everything else, is traditional. I can now open an invitation etiquette consultation business.