Thursday, September 13, 2007

Ch, Ch, Ch, Ch, Changes...

I'm back. From everything. From the best day of my life (the wedding day!), from the honeymoon in France, from a 3-month blog-writing haitus...

I wonder if anyone still reads this...

When you get married, everything changes. If you like change, that's a good thing. If you hate change, well, get ready for a hairy ride... I'm somewhere in the middle, but probably a little closer to the not-so-fond-of big change camp. My house is on the market. I cry about that sometimes. Most of my belongings are in boxes from a fast and haphazard move. So I can't really find anything. I'm a step-mother now, which is both amazing and overwhelming at the same time. Oh yes, and I have a hyphenated last name.

I am not a fan of hypenated last names. They are just annoying... too long, too hard to remember, too difficult to write out... So why hyphenate? I was all set to change my last name. But change is, well, not easy. If I just suddenly switched the name, no one at work would know who I was. Diane who? Then there's all the wasted checks with the wrong last name, every credit card in my wallet..., my direct deposit paperwork, an so on, and so on. My husband bought a plane ticket for me with my "new" last name. However, I don't have a new last name yet. Because...

Before you can officially change your last name, you have to get a certified copy of your marriage certificate. I ordered two of these online over 2 months ago (partly to take a step toward changing my name and partly to just make sure that we were in fact actually married... after all it's just a piece of paper, what if the Rabbi forgot to mail it in???) The certificate never showed up. So I marched down to city hall and waited in line. I told the clerk that I have to get on plane and my husband ordered the ticket in my "new" last name. "When are you getting on this plane?" the clerk asked. I gave her a scowling look in response. After standing there holding up the line for a good 20 minutes she assured me that the two copies I ordered were "in the mail" but gave me a complimentary one just in case. I marveled at the certificate as soon as it was in my hand. All the pomp, all the circumstance, all for this... a piece of paper with some scribbles and a raised seal. It's so easy to get married, in the legal sense. I read the paper over carefully, making sure all of the facts were correct. Then I folded it very neatly in thirds and placed it gingerly next to my passport in a drawer. Now I'm _really_ married. And now the change begins!

John has said to me so many times, "you're going to change your name, aren't you?" Today when I did some registry completion at Bloomingdales, the checker even asked if I was going to change my last name. I said, "I'm hyphenating (for now)." Then I went on to explain how it took an entire 2 months or more just to get my hands on a certified copy of my marriage certificate. You can't even go to social security to change your name until you have that!

The legistics of changing a name are difficult. But it is more than just the legistics. There are emotions involved as well. There is nothing more central to your identity than your name. So changing your name is like changing your identity. I find it odd that John's ex-wife changed everything about herself and her life, except her last name (she still has John's last name). If you want to really be a new person, try changing your name (either the first or the last... or better yet, both). I haven't quite gotten my head around being a new person. And I worry that people won't know who I am. And then, there is the fact that my gmail account name is my first and last (maiden) name. And I can't change my email account. That's just nuts.

So I'm hyphenating... for now. One day, I will drop the hyphen, along with the old name. But today, isn't the day. I don't think that I can sell my house and change my name all in the same week. I'll wake up and wonder, "how did I get here? (think Talking Heads song...).

Change is hard. I have to go to therapy just to deal with that fact. And everything is changing. September 11th just passed. This made me think about where I was and what I was doing exactly 6 years ago. My car is different, my living space, my job, my career, most of my friends and social network, oh yes and my last name... everything. I have the same dog and that's about it. Since then I have bought and remodeled an entire house, acquired a car payment, changed jobs twice, changed boyfriends (more than twice), changed hobbies, gotten married, became a step-mom, put my house on the market, the list never ends. But I have my same dog. Thank goodness for the dog...

Ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, changes... turn and face the strange... ch ch changes...

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Post Script

Everything was PERFECT on Sunday! Right on down to the fact it was SUNNY all day at the Legion of Honor... which in San Francisco on June 17th is a minor miracle. It was foggy on Saturday, and it was foggy on Monday morning. But it was sunny all day on our wedding day. I choose to see that as an omen... the powers that be are shinny on our union.

Everything when by in a whirlwind. I've heard that that is generally the way that it goes. Six months, twelve months, a year and a half of planning all for a few short hours. I am glad that I kept my "planning" down to six months. Would it have been any better if I had planned a prepared more? I think not.

On Friday night when the Rabbi blessed us at the temple he told us to take a lot of "mental pictures" of the weekend. Here are some things that I remember:

Checking in at the Ritz on Saturday and seeing a hotel room that may very well be larger than my house. Realizing that almost all of my relatives were at the rehearsal dinner, and how fun it was to see all of them on Saturday night. How relaxing it was to have my fingernails and toenails groomed at the same time on Sunday morning. The white flip-flops that I bought at the nail salon. The photographers arranging my dress in the hotel bedroom for photos. How much space the make up artist's equiptment took up. My hairdresser having 3 curling irons but only 2 plugged in. The bridesmaids putting on their jewelry that I bought for them. All the girls sitting in curlers with the photographers wondering how they were going to take photos of them. Having 3 people help me get dressed because I didn't start getting into my dress until about 2:00 (nearly a half hour later than planned). John standing in the window of the hotel room with his back to me waiting for me to tap him on his shoulder so he could turn around and see me all dressed up. Walking through the lobby of the Ritz with the photographers snapping pictures of us. The people at Baker beach telling us "congratulations" as sand poured into my wedding shoes. Arriving at the Legion and seeing the wedding party standing there in their duds with the general public swirling around them. My sister telling me to relax during posed photos so that I wouldn't have a "perma-smile." My brother telling me how proud he is of me. The Rabbi looking very calm. Standing next to the piano in the theater with the stage lights pouring down on us. Realizing that I wouldn't get to "see" the processional through the columns because I was the last one in the processional. Smiling bigger than I have ever smiled in my life as I first walked alone through the columns then walked down the aisle with my father. Everyone standing up as I walked down the aisle and feeling how physically close they were to me. Wondering why the Ketubah got hidden behind a speaker. Being thankful that we did use a microphone so that everyone could here the ceremony. Fumbling with the watch that we presented to Colin. Taking a minute to look into the audience while I stood up front with the Rabbi. Speaking very clearly as I said my vows. Noticing how the light fell across the columns in the courtyard at that time of day. The sound of the glass breaking as John stepped on it. Getting to kiss him several times at the end of the ceremony. Crying as we walked together back into the museum.

Okay... to be continued. I have to pack some bags and catch an airplane.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Lights, Camera, Action!

I did it. I did everything on my to-do list. Actually, I did everything on about 35 different to-do lists. So I'm "Ready"... with a capital R... actually make that all caps. All I have to do is pack my things together. Oh, I guess I should get some cash for tips. And well, the dogs need to get to their respective doggie sitting arrangements. And... what else? It's never done. I always think that projects should have a finite end to them. But they never do. When I told my old boss that I was pretty much ready for the wedding, she said, "Oh that's good, because I really wasn't ready when I got married." But then at the end of the day... you're married all the same. So does it even matter how "ready" you were? Then there are two kinds of "ready" - psychologically ready, and logistically ready. I've always been psychologically ready... no cold feet here. Maybe that's because I'm 37 and my biological clock is probably ticking. But is anyone ever logistically completely ready for a wedding? My bridesmaid and fiance begged me not to make a ceremony program because it was T minus 7 and I needed to relax. I made one anyway. Then there was a typo, and I considered reprinting them... and the fiance begged me not to reprint them. My mother, the professional proofreader, couldn't find the typo... so not reprinting was probably the right choice.

In an effort to get away from all of the "to-dos" and logistics, and the typo in the ceremony progam, I did a Mikvah. The Rabbi suggested it. Then a fairly religious friend of my fiance whom I adore, told the fiance that she was going to try to get me to do a Mikvah. So I figured that a Mikvah was in my future. I haven't been a particularly religious person in my life. But I'll say that doing the Mikvah, which I did yesterday, was a wonderful thing. It was one of the few moments in preparation for the wedding that was entirely about the spiritual and psychological transition. It had nothing to do with the logistics of producing a wedding event. It was about "getting married." It brought my focus inward and allowed me to spend a few magical moments reflecting on the transition and saying some private blessings for this union and my future with John. Religious rituals are what you make of them. If you say they are meaningless, then they are meaningless to you. But if you decide that they hold meaning, then they will become meaningful.

John and I struggle with this all the time. He does not want a chuppah. So we don't have a chuppah. Someone at the Jewish Community Center yesterday said that she'd never seen a Jewish wedding without a Chuppah. So somehow I felt obligated to have one. But John doesn't want one. And I don't want to deal with the logistics of obtaining one, the cost of renting one ($150 from the JCC), or the job of transporting one (the bases for the poles to stand in weigh 20 pounds each). I'm done. This wedding is now up to fate. I can't do one more thing, not even get a last minute chuppah. I didn't originally want a chuppah because I thought it would obstruct the view for the photos, since it's not "designed" into the scene. I want the columns of the courtyard to be the backdrop of our wedding. And actually, I like having the view of the sky. And we are surrounded by art, since it is the courtyard of an art museum. In actuality the art is more meaningful to me than the significance of a chuppah. My life has been and is about design and art. And we already have beautiful design and art in our setting.

It is easy to loose sight of one's personal preferences at times like this. But ultimately a wedding is about 2 people, and only those 2 people. It is not necessarily about religious rituals, family influences, logistic constraints, commercialisim and "rental fees." It is about two individuals coming together to make a third entity, a union that brings two lives together into one. Everything else is gravy.

On Thurday I did a Mikvah. On Friday we are being blessed at the Temple. And then... it begins. I'm so excited. And then, it will all be over so quickly. I guess that's why they invented photography. And better yet, videography. Now it occurrs to me that even though the event is roughly 5 hours long... I have been "getting married" since December 20th. Everything that happens on Sunday is the culmination of the last 6 months of my life, our lives. I have hopes and dreams, but no expectations. Whatever happens will be beautiful. And at the end of the day, we will be married. I wonder if there will ever be another moment in my life when all of these friends and family members will be in the same place together again. I guess that's part of what makes a wedding so special. Everyone comes out to be there for you. It's a wonderful thing. I wish there were more life events that call for such a gathering. We are so lucky to have this moment in time.

A friend asked if I would be continuing the blog post-wedding. And the answer is "yes!" I intend to give insightful reviews of the vendors. Reflections on the event itself. And, of course, notes on the honeymoon. So if you have enjoyed the blog - stay tunned!

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Details

If there is one thing that I've learned in the past five months, it is that I am EXCELLENT at managing the details. In fact, that is all I do. I just... manage details.

My fiance is a "Big Picture" person. I used to think that I was a Big Picture person... until I decided to plan a wedding. Yesterday someone at a graduation reception told me that she was now planning her neice's wedding. She asked me about our location. And off the top of my head I was able to rattle off EVERY benefit and deficit of that location: number of people it accomodates, how much you have to pay to extend the space, hours of operation, how far ahead it books for a Saturday vs. a Sunday, pros and cons of the in-house caterer, the list of "approved" caterers other than the in-house caterer, approximately how much more it costs to use someone other than the in-house caterer and why, ceremony options and how much they cost, the fact that you can now rent the entire museum for a particular fee and exactly what that fee is, what the weather is like at that location at various times of the year, and fourty more minute details that you probably don't care to hear about. All of that is in my head. Can you believe it? I can't believe it.

When did I become this detail-oriented? I'm like a Detail Genious. It is as if my response to change and life stress is to track details. Sometimes I impress myself with the level of minutia that I am able to extract out of my brain.

Then my fiance tells me that he is hungry and he wants to go out and get lunch. But I refuse to go with him, because (a) I'm not hungry (b) I'm not dressed to go out and (c) I'm tracking details. I made a new "To Do List" today. I think it was To-Do List Number Twenty-Five... or something like that.

So, it has become clear to me that I need to go to "Big Picture School." You know, the place where they teach you high-level concepts and discuss abstract thinking. My friend Lia had a great tactic that she used when she was planning her wedding and getting married. She just kept thinking that at the end of her wedding day she would Be Married. And nothing else mattered. She has an excellent perspective. I, on the otherhand, completely lack perspective. I seek perfection in a chaotic world. I seek order and control from people who want me to "go with the flow." I had a therapist tell me that she thought I should take Ativan on the day of the wedding. She's probably right.

I need to go to yoga class and meditate... but I have to make the place cards, print names on the place card envelopes, make and print menus, decide if I'm making a ceremony program, and oh yeah... maybe I should get dressed at some point today...

Past Tense

I wrote an "update" a while back and failed to publish it to the blog... so to fill you in on some things I'll include it now...

So, what's new? Let's see...

I had my wedding shower on May 6th. It was Lovely (with a capital
"L"). It was in a cute tea room. And I wore a cute dress that I spent
way too much money on from Bloomingdales. Most importantly my friend
Lia came up from Southern California and spent the weekend with me as
a shower gift. It was so wonderful. I hadn't seen her in probably 10
years. It was such a treat to see her. Thank you to my lovely sister for the photos and to all my excellent
bridesmaids for hosting!

I decided that the ceremony would be in the Court of Honor instead of
on the lawn. Both locations are beautiful. It only took 4 months to make that decision.

Our parents met in Dallas the same weekend that I had my shower.
Everyone on all sides said that it was Lovely.

And... lest you think that weddings are all about fancy invitations
and registering for wedding gifts (per my most recent blog entries), I
will attempt to catch you up on some of the more weighty
wedding-related topics like ceremony preparations and religious
wedding rituals...

I learned about Ketubahs. And we ordered one. I had never heard of a
Ketubah before we met with the Rabbi. I thought that I might
illustrate my own Ketubah. It would make it so "meaningful." Too much
work. I like the idea of a Ketubah because it is basically a place
where your vows are written down and framed. It's a great idea. It's
something that sticks around after the actual event is over. It's a
daily reminder of your dedication and devotion to each other. It's also
another $250 out of the wedding budget that has already been spent
five times over. I learned that my father has a Jewish Name. I had no
idea. You have to put Jewish names on the Ketubah... or write
"transliterate" so that they transfer the English name directly to the
Hebrew.

I also went to a frame store to have the Ketubah matted and learned that framing the Ketubah will probably cost more than the Ketubah itself.

That's the update.

The Big Picture

I can't see The Big Picture.

All I can see is this...

To Do 3/26/07:
- send list of payments
- SIGN CATERER CONTRACT AND SEND DEPOSIT
- order napkins
- disposable cameras?
- Book ManiPedi (order specific services and give cc number)
- Security deposit for Legion by 5/17
- Get postcards for frames (De Young)
- Make name cards on vellum for frames
- Book transportation
- Guest book insert - swap
- Buy new dress / engagement photo clothes
- Colin shoes / measure in May
- Make table assignments
- Make table place cards
- Make table numbers/names?
- Finalize lighting
- Send lighting contract and make up contract to Shannon
- Transportation information to Shannon
- Ketubah
- Kiddush Cups
- Glass to break
- Trim shoes straps
- Matte/vellum for Ketubah – pick up Ketubah and Kiddush cups
- WRITE VOWS AND FIGURE OUT SERVICE BY MONDAY NIGHT
Pick up:
Underwear
Purse? And/or bag?
Ketubah and Kiddush cups
Toasting flutes?

Actually I finished most of the stuff on _that_ list so now my list looks like this:

To Do 6/3/07:
- additions to ceremony (extra readings)
- photo shot list
- get day-of schedule to all vendors and confirm timing and setup
o photo/video (detailed photo schedule)
o cake
o florist
o DJ
o Musicians
o Phobus lighting
o Make Up
o Hair
- get day-of contact info for all vendors
- make seating chart
- make table place cards and envelopes
- assemble favors/names (vellum)
- make table name cards
- write thank you cards for shower gifts
- call babysitter to cancel
- design/print menus
- design/print ceremony programs
- confirm details with Rabbi / follow up
- Write out all cards
- Fax updated floor plan to Phoebus Lighting
- Shoe bottoms?
- Engrave pie server?
- Groomsmen gifts
- Wrap all gifts
- Wedding day schedule including transportation for everyone and timing
- All final details to wedding party and parents
- Print Shakespeare Sonnet and extra readings

Questions for Day-of Coordinator:
- when do the ring bearer and flower girl sit down?
- Transporting stuff to and from location?

Pick Up:
Bridesmaids dresses and flower girl dress
Pocket squares
Wedding dress
Kiddush Cups
Ketbuah
Suitcase
Evening purse
Lingere
White wine
Nail polish (Color: Soho Nice To Meet You – Opi)
Lipstick brushes (4)

Why can't I see the big picture?

Here are the items sitting on my makeshift desk: An updated floor plan of the cocktail and reception areas that needs to be faxed to the Lighting Designer, two "To Do" lists with exactly FOURTY TWO things crossed off as "done" and TWELVE things not crossed off and left "To Do." That sounds like a good ratio, except that I made a new list on the computer with TWENTY TWO "To Do" items on it. I also have ELEVEN items (see above) give or take fourty-five to pick up over the next two weeks.

No one should plan their own wedding. Actually, everyone should plan their own wedding until about 3 weeks prior to the event. Then the Wedding Planning Faries should swoop in and TAKE OVER. You know... like how storkes drop off babies on your doorstep? Perfect. Easy. Neat. No Mess.

My desk is a mess.

I know what you're thinking... do I really need to have that pie server engraved? Of course I don't. But lest you think that I'm obsessed about unimportant details... the seamstress has my dress, the 3 bridesmaid's dresses, the flower girl dress, and the 7 pockets squares. She promised to have them finished by June 1st. This is June 3rd. I've left 2 phone messages and one email message and haven't heard anything from her. I'm sure that everything is fine. I just called right now and left another phone message.

Oh yes, and we lost one person from the wedding party due to a break up, and had to secure a replacement person.

Yesterday I went to a graduation and listened to a baby cry throughout the entire hour long event. Then I wondered if that would happen at our wedding ceremony.

Were is the Big Picture in all of this?

I asked my photographer if he could send someone to do an hour of photography at our rehearsal dinner and he told me that it would cost $450 for that hour of photography.

My florist "re-did" my proposal after our meeting last week and the price went up by $380 (unexpectedly and without warning). We negotiated the price BACK DOWN to the original quote as soon as I noticed the difference.

I thought that I'd write a poem for the ceremony. But my head is blank. Actually my head isn't blank. It's cluttered.

Where is the Big Picture in all of this???

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Momentum and Meaning

You may have noticed... I haven't blogged in a while. One month and 12 days to be exact. I've been busy, as you can probably imagine. Then, I accidentally spilled tea right onto the keyboard of my laptop and killed the computer. Okay, the laptop sacrifice was a more recent event and not really the cause of my lack of blogging, but it didn't help. I try to be organized, focused, and motivated. Then I inadvertently kill my computer and I realize that life is just a string of chaotic events, and any semblance of organization is just the veil covering the reality of mushagos.

I went to the Apple store on Friday with my dead computer, and the "Apple Genius" (yes that is the person's title on the business card... when did business cards become witty conversation pieces?) suggested that I register for a new computer after I mentioned that I was getting married in a month and my all-important "to-do" list was inside the dead computer. I'm not 100% sure that the computer is dead. But the diagnosis is "Not Good" and I have to wait a week for it to "Dry Out" before even trying to turn it on. When the technician called me later in the day with the report he said, "Peach Tea?" He could smell the tea. It was "Very Wet." So my computer is in the laptop hospital at the Stonestown Mall. On the upside, my harddrive looks okay. They haven't examined every file. But "It Mounts" was the report. Thank goodness my email is all On Line along with my Blog.

I try to be organized. I try to be focused. I try to... Get Things Done. But then, chaos happens. And the momentum is interrupted. And then there is the fact that everything in my life has changed because I am getting married. When you get your marriage license from City Hall they give you a little booklet about having children, getting tested for genetic diseases, the definition of domestic abuse, etc. What they really should give you is a booklet on Adjustment Disorder. Maybe you'll have kids, maybe you won't. Maybe you're a carrier for genetic disease, maybe you aren't. And really, what's the likelihood of ending up in a domestic abuse situation? I guess it happens. But who wants to think about that in the two weeks preceeding their wedding day??? But... I'm convinced that everyone who gets married goes through some kind of adjustment disorder. One day you're sleeping alone, the next day you're not. You move, sell houses, buy houses, change jobs, change careers, give up jobs, start cleaning up someone else's kitchen everyday... you get woken up by the fiance's cranky dog, you forget to water your plants because you are too busy and they die, you spend too much money on the wedding or wedding-related things and go into credit card debt for the first time in 8 years, you can't disappear for 4 hours at the end of the day because someone is waiting for you at dinner time. Everything changes. And often, it changes very quickly. Then you spill tea on your computer. If you spill liquid on your computer in college it's a Party Foul. If you spill liquid on your computer when you're getting married, it's an Adjustment Disorder.

Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled to be getting married. But I won't deny that it is a lot of change. Change can be good and change can be hard. What does this have to do with the wedding? Nothing. What does this have to do with getting married? Everything. The wedding is just the party. The marriage is your life. I'm starting a new life. I'm excited to start a new life. But it is a lot of change. And that's why we have weddings, so that we can celebrate the change! I am truely excited. I will be buildng a life with someone I love. And to me, there is no greater joy in life. Who cares about neglected plants and dirty dishes, when you get to fall asleep next to the person that you love at the end of every day. In a year, I'll have forgotten that that I spent so much money on wedding-related things, and that in my adjustment disordered haze I spilled tea on my laptop. I'll be married to a man that I love. And that's all that will matter.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

China (Not the Country)

I did not think about registering for china. I though about registering for a hot tub... and patio furniture... you know, things that we'd use every single day and enjoy as part of the "fabric of our lives." Why do people register for china... so that their dining table can look impressive once a year?

The fiance assumed that we'd register for china. His childhood home had china. His home with his first wife had china (he even pointed out their pattern when we were at Gumps). I did not grow up with china. My parents received silver flatware for their wedding in 1961 and never added to the collection nor did they use it even once. And they certainly never ate off of china. I'm not even sure if they have any. My parents are "casual," with a capital "C." My maternal grandmother had china, three sets in fact. But I do not recall ever eating off of it. My maternal grandparents did host formal Thanksgivings in an impressive dining room that probably sat at least twelve. But I never sat in the dining room. Until the ripe old age of 26 or maybe even 27 years, I sat at the "kids table" (read: no china) at Thanksgiving. There were too many adults from the elder generations present for me to be able to sit at the "china table." And if someone from my generation was invited to sit in the dining room for a Thanksgiving meal, it was probably my brother who was the eldest of our generation. So I have lead a china-less life. Why bother starting now?

When my maternal grandmother passed away her china was boxed up and is currently sitting in the boxes at my parents house. So when I mentioned "china" to my mother, she said "take it." I kind of liked the idea of simply inheriting my grandmother's china. I looked at photos of the china that were emailed to me and picked one of the patterns. My mother also offered up the silver. So I was All Set. I had china AND silver.

Then we went to Bloomingdales.

While at Bloomingdales we looked at crystal which was the only thing that I was not inheriting. I picked out a crystal pattern. And we also looked at the china. Looking at china is overwhleming. There are a million patterns, a million styles: traditional, modern, avante guarde, country, retro, old-lady... you name it. I loved them and hated them all at the same time. It is a cornicopia of visual mishegass. I couldn't choose a pattern if I had to. Thank goodness I didn't have to.

Later I started looking at china patterns online. I don't know why. I guess I started looking at them because china (not the country...) had suddenly entered my awareness. I had previously never given china a second thought. But when you get married, you register for china. The fiance mentioned a couple times that his mother's friends had asked what our pattern is. Our pattern? Our pattern is a seven thousand dollar hot tub... that's our pattern. Or how about some teak patio furniture from Crate&Barel.

At Bloomingdales we put together a place setting. We tried to find a pattern in the store that closely matched the pattern I was inheriting. I am getting Mikasa bone china A5-166 Solitude from my grandmother. You can look up a photo online. It is very basic. A silver outer band with a black inner band. It is not terribly exciting, but it will go with a lot of things. The other two patterns to choose from were florals that the fiance did not particularly like. So I chose this one. Interstingly enough, the china isn't really worth anything. I think you can buy replacement pieces online for like five dollars a plate. Unlike silver, I guess china patterns change, and don't really hold their value over time.

Then the fiance suggested that we register for a charger to go under the Mikasa Solitude china pattern. Something to "spice it up." What is a charger you ask? I had never heard of a "charger" before he suggested getting a set. No, it is not the thing that you plug your cell phone into at night. It is a very large plate, that acts as sort of a placemat. It sits under all of the other plates, and as the dinner courses come and go, the "charger" stays. You never eat off of the charger. So it is a plate, that never touches any food. It is purely for design. Excellent! This is just my thing. An item that looks like it is supposed to be functional, but in fact its only function is to look good. Who's idea was that?

I gave the charger some thought. Maybe the fiance was right. I should choose something that would bring a little bit of "me" into the design of the table. It is fun and meaningful to inherit items, but then it is also nice if the formal wear reflects your personality as well - that is, if you are going to use formal china. The charger seemed like a good compromise. I could bring a little bit of "me" into the table design, but still use my grandmother's china, which held meaning for me. So I looked at charger patterns online and I picked one. I picked the JL Coquet Khazard Platinum pattern, because it is gorgeous. It is not retro, not modern, and not old-lady china. I don't know how to describe the style, except "gorgeous." I added 12 "chargers" in this pattern to the registry. It is a platinum design so it should coordinate perfectly with the Mikasa Solitude.

Later the fiance and I went to Gumps. He insisted that I at least look at Gumps. While at Gumps we had a chance to look at the JL Coquet Khazard Platinum charger. I also happened to notice the price. In fact, the sales person actually pointed out the price and said that he didn't recommend that people register for chargers in this pattern, because you can buy the entire place setting in this pattern for less than the cost of the charger. The chargers are $365 (each!). At Bloomingdales, were we are actually registered, they had a temporary sale so they were momentarily $310 (each!). So if you own 12 of these chargers, you own approximately four thousand to four thousand five hundred dollars worth of dishes that you never eat off of. Who's idea was this? I removed the chargers from the registry. It's not that I wouldn't love to have these chargers. But I can't quite wrap my head around owning four thousand dollars worth of dishes that I will never eat off of. However, I did add the regular JL Coquet Khazard Platinum place setting on to the registry. So now, suddenly, I was registering for china. I fell in love with the pattern. If you look at this pattern in the light of the Gumps showroom, the platinum looks iridescent. It is amazing. And the design works perfectly with the crystal pattern that I picked. And, as intended, it will coordiate with the Mikasa as well. And I now understand that what you are supposed to do is add to the collection over time. So maybe you get three place settings for the wedding. Then for anniversaries you get more. It's a like a hobby, or better yet... a lifestyle.

And that is the interesting conclusion that I came to recently. China is a lifestyle. Some people have it, some don't. Some use it, some don't. Chosing to own china is like choosing a lifestyle. Are you going to host formal dinners? If you host formal dinners, do you want your table to look a certain way? Will you have friends over to eat, or will you always go out? Do you even have a dining room table in your house or apartment? I know people in San Francisco, who don't even have a dining room table, because that room has given way to the more urgent need for a home office. People need an office more than they need a dining room these days. In fact currently, my office IS my finace's dining room table. I clear off my junk every time we have people over. It's a transitional thing... but it is an interesting statement about lifestyle. There was a time when women were primarily concerned with preparing and serving food. The women I know today, care more about their laptop computers than serving food... hence the dining room table that is used as an office desk.

Another interesting point that my fiance made in the context of the china discussion was the fact that he wanted to create memories for our children. Having regular meals every day as well as special meals on nice china would be an important part of creating a "home" and creating memories for our children. And using the china would help to make each holiday "special." I couldn't argue with that.

People do talk about how china can become something that just sits around in boxes and is a pain the rear end to store and move. Other people talk about how the china becomes a special thing that is used for special occasions and therefore holds special significance. It is a lifestyle choice. And here I had to choose a lifestyle. Would I be the person who rejected the china in favor of a hot tub and always ate off of ten dollar glass plates from Crate&Barel? Or would I be the person who wanted to make holidays "special?" I could see myself as both. But I knew that my fiance had a clear preference for the special significance of using china, and I fell in love with the new pattern that I found.

The JL Coquet Khazard Platinum looks perfect with the Mikasa Solitude, except for one small detail. The Coquet is all porcelin and the Mikasa is bone china. So? Porcelin and bone china look different. Porcelin is slightly translucent and bone china is completely opaque. So the whites do not match. Of course there would be some detail like this, that would prevent my plan from working. I fell in love with the idea of mixing the Mikasa and the Coquet. Use the Coquet dinner plate with a Mikasa salad plate on top. I ultimately decided that I didn't care about the difference in the whites. I would find a way to make it work.

I am now very excited about the china. I even registered for the creamer and sugar bowl in the Coquet Khazard Platinum pattern. I'm still interested in the hot tub and the patio furniture. And I'm sure we will aquire those things over time. But I guess that deep down I am a traditionalist. And thus I ultimately chose to register for the china. I really do care about how the dining room table looks when we have people over. I never knew that I would, until we started having people over. A few days ago we had my parents over. And my finace pulled out some wooden placemats and the colored cloth napkins. I'm not sure that my parents noticed or cared. But I noticed. And I thought that it was a very nice touch.

So here's to a lifetime of creating memories with a very nice looking dinner table; the perfect mix of my style as well as something sentimental. I am so excited, I will finally get to eat in the dining room with the china. I only had to wait 37 years. Let me know when you'd like to come over for dinner. I'm not waiting until Thanksgiving to use the china.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Schwag

Bloomingdales gave us Schwag.

What is Schwag you ask? There is a great definition of "Schwag" on this page:
http://www.promosapien.ca/Content/What%20Is%20Schwag.asp

At the top of the page it reads, "Promosapien - promotional products for the human race." Read the history of schwag on that page. It's very funny.

If you've ever been to a trade show, you know about schwag. I used to attend SIGGRAPH trade shows, and my house is still full of the outdated schwag from that endeavor.

A few weeks ago the fiance and I headed downtown with the intention of seeing a movie. But the Chinese New Year parade prevented us from reaching the movie theater. Since we were stuck in the South of Market area we dropped in on Bloomingdales, not because we had an appointment to register, just because we were there. I actually had not yet been to the new Bloomingdales. It's amazing. The whole shopping center is amazing. They have curved escalators. Apparently the curved escalators are an engineering feat.

I was secretly excited that we ended up at Bloomingdales that Saturday evening. It was an unanticapted chance to do one more wedding preparation task. I now get very excited when I accomplish wedding preparation tasks.

Because my fiance was married once before, he new all about fine china, silver, and stemware. I have to admit that I may have only heard the term "stemware" once before in my life. In a prior conversation with my mother she said, "You don't want to register for china! It'll just sit in your cupboards and you'll have to lug it around with you whenever you move. We haven't used the silver that we got at our wedding once (and that was like almost 50 years ago....)." On the topic of china my fiance said, "Well, it's a chance to get something nice." And then in a separate conversation he said, "You're the woman of the house. You should decide what you'd like to have for serving guests." I was touched. Sometimes he's so traditional. And I actually find it to be very endearing and cute. Now if only I could convince him that The Woman of the House shouldn't have to work.... nah, that'll never happen. Today the Woman of the House serves formal meals on fine china and then gets on a plane the next day for a business meeting in New York.

Anyway, I digress. Bloomingdales gave us Schwag. We had just enough time in the store to take a quick look at the housewares, peak at the silver pattern that my parents have, have my fiance point out a stemware pattern that he'd registered for the last time around (oh the joys of being a second wife), and to realize that I was going to have to make yet even more choices (see my last blog entry and comments on making choices). Oh yes, and we met very briefly with a "bridal consultant." Her name was Lindsay and she gave me a cute little cosmetics-sized shopping back with a beautiful yellow ribbon for handles. Inside the shopping bag was: her business card, a small spiral bound Registry Guide with lists of suggested items to register for next to neat little check boxes, a registration form, and a twelve inch by twelve inch fancy photo album. What? A photo album? Yes. It is large, cloth covered, has a window in the front to insert a picture, binder rings that open and close, and 30 photo insert pages. At first I was touched. Then I looked at what came before the 30 photo pages: about 50 pages of full color ads for everything from mattresses to the stationary department at Bloomingdales. Schwag. The fiance actually commented on The Schwag, "Wow, it must of cost them at least $20 per item to produce these..." Well, yeah. If you figure that the wedding guests probably spend upwards of three thousand dollars at any one store, I guess Bloomingdales should give us gifts. It's all so commercial. I now feel like I have a billboard sitting on my dining room table. My instinct is to throw out the 50 pages of ads... but then there are some useful hints in those pages like how to choose china... do I care? The Schwag Package is designed to help you make choices, and to cooerce you into spending even more money in the store while doing so. Maybe it will come in handy when we are actually registering. I see here that I should be registering for a Kitchen Aid electric mixer even though I've never baked a cake from scratch in my life.

Apparently in the last 5 or so years, the wedding industry has balooned (at least the commercialism and financial side of it). If I talk to anyone who got married more than 5 years ago, their photographer cost about $2,000. If you search in the bay area for a photographer with a track record and decent reputation today, their minimum fee is $6,000. What is that, a 300% increase in 5 years? It does seem to follow the appreciation rates of bay area housing. If you bought a house in San Francisco in 2002 for $400k it's now worth $650k. Actually, I think the photographers are doing better than the housing.

The cute little yellow Bloomingdale's Schwag Bag sort of lives on top of the buffet (at least until we are done registering). And whenever I see it sitting there I think, "Schwag. They gave us Schwag." I don't now whether to feel burdened or flattered.

Now that I think about it, Bloomingdales should give us some Waterford Crystal, not Schwag. Like frequent flyer miles. You should get 20 purchase points towards "free stuff" for every gift that is bought from your registry. So at the end when you are missing those 3 coffee cups and 5 desert plates that were not purchased, Bloomingdales just gives it to you for free out of your "frequent buyer" account miles, I mean points. Now that would make me want to register at Bloomingdales.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Etiquette Schmetiquette

Item number Five Thousend One Hundred and Tweny Four on the master To Do List is:

- Figure out the invitation wording

It's harder than you think. On my fourth visit to the stationery store in the Gift Center there was another bride who was trying to do this (by herself) on the spot. I had known enough to plan ahead and figure that out before even going to the store. I had it all typed up (I was so proud of myself!). So I handed her my invitation wording. But my invitation has my parents inviting the guests... in their case, the couple is inviting the guests. So you can't use the same wording. She called her fiance on the cell phone, "Alex, do you want your parents' names on the invitation???" This is just the beginning. Planning a wedding is all about making choices. Approximately Five Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Four choices, give or take Two Million.

It took me a full week to figure out the wording on the invitation. And I learned some interesting things in the process. I did not anticipate the complexities. In general, you can just put "whatever you want." But I just had a good friend ask me via email, "What should we wear to So and So's wedding?" The couple did not indicate the preferred attire anywhere in their invitation package. Nor did they indicate whether or not I could bring a guest (nor was my fiance's name on the invite). If you do it right, your guests are ideally not left with a bunch of important questions. The other reason that I wanted to research the topic is because I am getting married in the evening at a Museum. So a certain level of formality (or atleast respect for the facility) is expected.

So I researched it. Did you know that "request the honour of your presence" is only to be used when the wedding is in a house of worship? If it is in a secular location you are to write "request(s) the pleasure of your company." I hate to say it, but "request(s) the pleasure of your company" kind of sounds like you are inviting people to a love-fest (read: orgy - if you want to be truely honest about it...) But that's the etiquette rule. If you really want, you can say "request(s) the honour of your company." But that does not sound as good as "honour of your presence." And realistically, if you have 150 people at the wedding, you're asking for their presence. You probably won't have enough time, with all of those people there, to enjoy everyone's company. But they will still be present, which is what matters. Semantics.

Oh yes, and you can spell "honor" as "honour." With the "u" is the more formal spelling. My parents hated it. They thought "honour" was too stuffy. You can do it either way. But you have to be consistent when you write "favor" or "favour of a reply" on the response cards.

And if you are going to be truely formal, you use your parents titles (Mr. Mrs. etc.). Well my parents are Doctor and Honorable. They did not want their titles. Too stuffy. So we put their first names.

And! Apparently in Jewish weddings sometimes the bride and groom's names are connected with an "and" instead of a "to." Mary Jane "to" John Doe Smith or Mary Jane "and" John Doe Smith. It's a little thing. But it's choice number Five Thousand One Hundred and Twenty Five. And? or To?

Oh yes! Then... I was going to set the arrival time for 5:45 pm. That is what it says on our Save the Date cards. But, you are not supposed to write numerals on the actual invitation. Everything is spelled out. So, it usally says "at five o'clock in the evening." Or "at half past five in the evening." I wanted to write 5:45. So, is it "five fourty-five in the evening?" Or is it "A quarter TO six?" Or "At quarter OF six?" Three-quarters past five??? This was actually a twenty minute conversation with my parents. Then it was another twenty minute conversation with my fiance's mother who teaches English. Each person I consulted had a different answer. My parents said, "at quarter to six" (or maybe they said quarter OF six... now I can't remember...). My future Mother in Law said five fourty-five. AND, I could not find the answer to this question anywhere on the Internet. I spent more than an hour looking for the answer to this specific question. It's not that it was THAT important, but I just wanted to know. After much thought I settled on five fourty-five. When I submitted my text to the owner of the stationary store, he told me that in his 20 years of experience in the business he had not written :45 on an invitation more than a handful of times. It's just not done. Whowouldathought? So after all the investigation, I changed it to half past five anyway. The coordinator thought I should set it for six, but then admitted that she's always prompt. My mother thought we should set it for half past five thinking that people would be looking for the mis-placed gift or getting lost on their way to the location. I opted for my mother's level of caution. It's a park. The view is gorgeous. People can hang out for an extra 15 minutes.

Additionally, you are not supposed to put the attire on the invite itself. That is because in Victorian times, everyone KNEW what they were supposed to wear. Today, it's mass chaos. And it's even worse if you live in California (Who ever said that casual was better?). My mother told me today that she has to buy a dress for my wedding. What? People don't own simple cocktail dresses? We set the attire as "Black Tie Optional or Semi-Formal Attire." So it's: wear something nice and decent but don't knock yourself out if you don't want to. Now people are stressed about what they are going to wear? Oy vey. I wanted a day time wedding... because I like the sunlight. But the museum doesn't do daytime weddings. And the fiance liked the idea of the more formal event. Okay. You all have to go buy a dress now. Sorry. Guys: wear a tie. Oh, yes... I came across a new term in my research: Creative Black Tie. Look it up. I almost put that on the invitation. Because I liked the way it sounded. And because I am creative. And I think it should be okay for people to wear a tux with a black shirt and no tie. Why not? It's still dressy. Well one of my bridesmaids who plans events for a living said that sometimes people interpret that as "Costume Okay." I don't want costumes. So I took it off. My mother said that it was just as well, because people wouldn't know what it meant anyway.

Why do all of the rules exist, if no one knows what they mean? Why have rules, if people won't follow them anyway? Why care about etiquette when people don't even know what the etiquette is?

Do you know why wedding invitations often come with double envelopes? In Victorian times, the mail was carried on horse back. So the outer envelope got dirty. Additionally, a servent usually removed the outer envelope before presenting the mail to the man or woman of the house. Today an inner envelope allows you to indicate that a single person may bring a guest. It is apparently not kosher to write "and Guest" on the outer envelope... according to etiquette. So you write: "Ms. Jane Doe" on the outer envelope, and "Ms. Doe and Guest" on the inner envelope. What's a bride to do sans inner envelope? Go against etiquette and dirty up the outer envelope or call every single guest to explain that they can bring a friend? Who decided anyway that "and Guest" was improper on the outer envelope? I read somewhere that supposedly the post office doesn't like "and Guest" on the outer envelope, which makes absolutely no sense.

And what about that pesky piece of tissue paper? In earlier times, the ink on the invitations would smear on to the adjacent paper pieces. So layers of tissue were inserted to prevent the ink from smudging.

Why do we use two envelopes and tissue paper today? Apparently because people haven't realized that the modern post office hasn't delivered more than one piece of soiled mail in thirty years and because they think that the printing process hasn't advanced at all in the past 100 years. My invitations have one envelope and no tissue.

It took me no less than FIVE visits to the stationary store to complete the invitation ordering process. I had to chose a style. Papers. Ink color. Font style. Layout. Enclosures. At home I typed up everthing and even made an exact layout of what the front cover should look like with the names, date and illustration. They got it wrong in the proofs, of course - despite my meticulous notes and visual aids. Why do I care so much? I don't know. Maybe I really want to be an event planner. I just care. I don't know why. I agonized of over the exact paper choice when our first choice was no longer available. I cared. Immensly.

I studied theater design for 7 years. A large wedding is a theater production. You have costumes, sets, and just yesterday I called Impact and Phoebus - two bay area lighting companies. You have to light the rooms. The space only comes with can lights in the ceiling. We talked colors, angles, gels, patterns. Seven years of college level training... so that I could produce a wedding. I'm trying to imagine whether the men can wear only the dark red fabric of the bridesmaid's dresses as a pocket square or whether the ties and cumberbunds or vests should be the same color. Right now I'm leaning towards dark red pocket squares and silver ties/cumberbunds/vests. Michael at Black Tie Tuxedo thinks that everything should be black. I didn't study costume design for SEVEN YEARS to make everything black!!! I care because it is my art. Are weddings art? They can be.

The invitation is a passion. The colors, the wording, the papers. I hired a calligrapher. I found one on Craigslist for a very reasonable rate. You just care, when it is a passion.

So my inviation wording is a mix of formality and personal touch. First names are used and "honor" is spelled in the American way. It's a Jewish wedding so I chose "and" instead of "to." We are not in a house of worship... but I put "honor of your presence." It just sounds right. Everything else, is traditional. I can now open an invitation etiquette consultation business.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Three Months To Go!

The wedding is exactly 3 months from today.

Everyday people say to me, "What else needs to be done? You've taken care of all the major things. There isn't that much more to do is there?" Or some variation of one of these sentiments.

Here's the To-Do list that I created this mornning of items that really have to happen this week:

- Send the security deposit for the location
- Find a Rabbi
- Send my shower invite list to the person planning the shower
- Update the website
- Organize all of my papers, contracts, and receipts (which are spread across 4 different folders and are stored in no logical order)
- Send a deposit check and signed contract to the musicians
- Make decisions on the food
- Schedule a tasting of the food
- Tuxedo shop appointment for the groom
- Shop for men's accessories (ties, vests, cumberbunds) in silver
- Make decision on favors
- Follow up on final proof for invitations
- Pick up flower girl dress
- Start registration process

So, no. I'm not almost done. In fact we haven't even made a choice on the caterer, or the exact food. Nor have we registered. We've put off registering like 5 different times because of long to-do lists, and busy schedules. So, we'll have a wedding with no gifts. Maybe that is okay.

Now, I did go to yoga, workout twice, lift weights, and arrange for two separate doggie play dates this past week. So I guess life is good. You can only do so much planning at one time.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

The Cycle of Life

The Rabbi died today. The one that was supposed to marry us in approximately three and a half months. Or maybe it was yesterday. I'm not sure exactly when. My fiancés mother phoned to give us the news today. At the end of the conversation my fiancé said, "So does this mean that he isn't going to marry us?"

Well, he was in his 80s. So it's not like we didn't know that this was a possiblity. At least it didn't happen the day before or even worse - the day of the wedding. At least we have 3 and a half months notice so that we can make another plan. But it's very sad. He was a long time family friend of my soon-to-be in-laws and their entire family. Why does everything have to change? Why couldn't he have held on another 6 months? It's sad.

And now I have to add something back ON to my to-do list: Find Officiant. Ugh.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Perfection

No one under the sun is more concerned with perfection than a woman in her 30s who is getting married for the first time.

Yesterday I went to a fabulous store in the Gift Center on Brannan called Hyegraph that specializes in wedding invitations. This store offers a 20 percent discount off of the total cost of your order if you mention the "Here Comes the Guide" website. I knew immediately that this was "my" store.

When I arrived, I discoverd that not only do they do wedding invitations, but they also sell ring bearer pillows, guest books, guest book pens, photo albums, the list goes on. It's a one-stop shop for all your wedding trinket needs. I had to resist the urge to buy a ring bearer pillow on the spot. I figured it might be good to buy it when the fiance and I return together.

While I was browsing through the five hundred books of wedding inivitation designs my attention was drawn to a couple sitting at the next table who was placing their invitation order. Originally I took note of them because I heard them say that their wedding date was June 16th, one day before mine. My first thought was, "Great! I'm finally ON TIME with something." If _they_ are just now placing there invitation order, then I'm not late in placing mine. I could tell by the look of the couple, that THEY woudn't do anything late.

As the couple's invitation ordering conversation continued with the sales person, I overheard a few bits and pieces. They wanted THIS to be olive colored but not THAT. And they complained about the the fact that figuring out the wording was the most difficult part of the whole invitation ordering process. At the end of the conversation the groom said,"One more thing to check off our to-do list!"

It's like a club that you join... The Wedding Planning Club. Everyone in the Wedding Planning Club has a "To-Do" List and your sole purpose in life from the minute you get engaged until the moment you say "I Do" is to check things off of the "To Do" list. You have no other purpose in life. You are ruled by The List and The Due Dates and Deposits and the Balances Due. You don't pay attention to your career. You forget to socialize. You only go to the gym because your arms will look fat in your strapless gown if you don't. You pay attention to the people who are in your wedding party and the parents who are making financial contributions, and ignore everyone else. And you check, check, check things off your To-Do list. Sometimes you do things, just so you can check them off the list. Sometimes you check things off the list that you don't plan to do and will never do, just because it feels really good to put a check in a box on "The List."

So this couple was IN the club... basking in the glory of another checked-off list item. But alas, just as the guy was beginning to feel some sense of relief as they put that all-important "check" next to the "Order Wedding Invitations" line item, his fiance started complaining about her ring. I couldn't hear the entire conversation. But I did hear the most imporant and poinient part. The bride said, "We HAVE to go to back the jeweler because I really DO NOT like how the stone is placed in the setting!" When I heard this I wanted to explode with laughter. Was she kidding? She said it with such angst and disdain. She was clearly focused on nothing other than the probably totally imperceptable imperfection of the exact placement of her stone in her ring's setting. There was nothing else in her mind or in her life other than this imperfection. She couldn't even bask in the relief of checking off a major "To Do" from her list. The very second that they finished ordering their invitations, she began complaining! The groom responded with some vague reassurances. In that moment I thought that the groom should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for putting up with this woman and her absurd fixation. The bride stood up from the table and went to the sales girl at the counter. She asked with pointed urgency, "So when will this order be called in? Will it be tomorrow?!?!" The implied message was that the order better be called in tomorrow or else there would be hell to pay. Again I lauged internally at the absurdity of the bride's urgency with every detail. The sales girl made some noises about how the store owner was out sick so she didn't know exactly when the order would be called in. I thought for a moment that the bride would explode. I could sense her desire to explode, in fact. "Oh my, why is he sick? Is he okay???" She didn't care about the store owner. She cared about her invitations, and moreover the timeliness of the ordering of her invitations. The groom leaned over and gave the bride the sweetest, most endearing kiss on the forehead. What is it that allows men to be able to put up with the insanity of the 30-something bride? I could tell just by looking at this woman that nothing was perfect enough, nothing was fast enough, and nothing was satisfying enough for her. The poor thing. I was so glad in that moment that I was not her. And then... of course I realized... that I am her.

For the past four days I have looked at my two front teeth in my rearview mirror of my car just about every 30 seconds or whenever the traffic patterns would allow. I can't decide if the color is okay. And I need to look at them five hundred times every day to figure out if I should go back to the dentist or not. When I was looking through the books of invitations, I kept asking if there was another book with this sort of thing or that sort of thing that I could look at. What was put in front of me was not good enough. I kept wanting there to be something else. Something better. Something different. Something - perfect. Thank goodness my fiance picked out the ring on his own. I love the ring, exactly how it is, because he picked it out. If I had had to pick it out, we'd still be looking at rings. And I'd be going back to the jeweler every other day having the stone re-set and re-re-set and re-re-re-set. But because my fiance picked it out, it's perfect as-is. It's the sentimentality factor. If he does it, it's sentimental and perfect. If I do it, it cost too much and no amount of human inspired craftsmanship is perfect enough - not in cosmetic dental work, not in the setting of stones in a ring, not in the graphic design or printing of Save the Date cards, not in anything. Nothing is good enough.

I cannot figure out why brides are chronically dissatisfied, eternally anxious about planning, and expect the precision of brain surgeons from every wedding vendor they encounter. The sales person said to the couple, "I always tell people that it's only ONE DAY." I guess that's code for "chill out, bitch" - which is what she probably really wanted to say to the bride. And here I thought I was the only person on the face of the earth who was obsessing about details. At least I've never questioned whether or not my stone was properly put in it's setting. Whew - one less thing to worry about.

I didn't actually order any invitations yesterday. I found some things that I liked at that store. But I didn't find anything that was perfect.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Absurdities

Okay. Yesterday I spent THREE HOURS painting silver glitter on the Save the Date cards.

Right now I am trying to format address labels for the Save the Date cards so that they line up properly in my make-shift microsoft word template so that I can print them to my fiance's printer that is running out of ink...

Last week I paid two thousand dollars to have veneers put on my top two front teeth so that they can finally be the same color. You see, they haven't been the same color since I was about 10 years old. Somehow I acquired a partially dead tooth. I never cared. Until now. I want to be able to smile freely on my wedding day and know that that the photos will look o-kay. So I paid two thousand dollars and suffered through three weeks of embarassment (more on that later). On Friday, I got my new teeth. The only problem is, they still aren't the same color. Apparently veneers are not entirely opaque. Who knew? So, although the veneers are actually the same color, they are not the same color in my mouth. So I'm two thousand dollars poorer, and my teeth are still two different colors. What is wrong with this picture?

As I was stuffing the Save the Date cards, I noticed that one envelope got mangled as it went through the printer, and 19 of the envelopes were printed on the wrong paper stock.

I've asked my fiance upwards of 25 times for his mailing adresses. I still don't have them.

I've decided to start lifting upper body weights, because I'm wearing a strapless gown. Maybe I should just stop eating for 4 months. Then my arms will look great, and I won't have to go to the gym.

My fiance asked me today if I wanted to register for fine china and/or silver. I have no idea what I want to register for. What should a couple in their late 30s / early 40s register for? We already have two entire households. Can we register for a new house altogether with low property taxes and two separate offices?

Yesterday the six year old girl who is the daughter of one of my bridesmaids and also the flower girl in the wedding saw the Save the Date cards spread out all over the dining room table. She asked me if I was marrying my fiancé, my fiancé's ex-wife, my fiancé's son, or my fiancé's dog. She wasn't exactly sure who I was marrying. I told her that I was marrying my fiancé. She replied, "You shouldn't marry him, you should marry the dog."

Thursday, February 15, 2007

My dress is here!

I ordered my dress one month ago. And I _just_ now got a call from Marie at Paris Connection telling me that my dress is here! I'm so excited! Now it really feels like I'm getting married! My dress is here! I'm so excited! Wait... did I tell you that I'm excited! I have to add some more exclamation points!!!!!!!! It's supposed to take 6 months to get a wedding dress. That took 1 month. Wow. How exciting.

Priorities

On my makeshift desk here at John's house I have four bills: a PG&E bill, a health insurance premium bill, the Florist's contract/deposit bill, and the bill for the wedding website domain name registration. I only have two checks in my purse. Which two bills do you think I paid? Correct! I paid the florist's deposit to reserve her services on our wedding date and I paid for the wedding website domain name registration so that the wedding website wouldn't be shut down. Who cares if the heat and gas get shut off or if my health insurance runs out???

Who Knew?

Did you know that you can have a bridesmaid's dress made from scratch for about a third of the cost of ordering a dress from a store, paying for a rush fee to ensure enough time for alterations, and then the cost of the alterations? Future brides - call a local seamstress and have a conversation with her as part of your dress shopping research. This approach may not be good if your bridesmaids are all over the country. But if they are all local - it may be worth your while. We are having our dresses made. It's not as expensive as you'd think it would be. And it's actually easier than dealing with the stores. Maybe I just happened upon a phenomenal seamstress. If you live in San Francisco let me know - and I'll pass her name along.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Taking Votes

Now I can't decide... should the "Save the Date" card say...

Save the Date!
Bride and Groom (first names only - names removed to keep some semblance of privacy here...)
Are Getting Married

or should it say...

Save the Date!
Your presence is requested at the wedding of
Bride (first and last names)
And
Groom (first and last names)


I've got two votes for the first option and one vote for the second option...

Monday, February 12, 2007

Floral Design

The services of a floral designer either cost $1500 or $4000. There is nothing in between. You can either buy JUST bouquets and boutineers (sp?) for $1500, or you can do the expected amount of floral design for $4000. When I read on Nancy Liu Chin's website that her minimum order was $4,000 for a Saturday or Sunday booking.. I actually gasped. Out loud. I thought that spending $2,000 on my dress was a splurge. Ouch. If you are wearing a dupione silk dress and your wedding is at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco, do you think it's okay to not have flower arrangements on the dinner tables? I didn't think so. Pretty much... you have to have the flowers. But here's my question... where do you think my $4,000 worth of flowers will be on June 18th... the day after my wedding??? Well, I guess they will eternally look good in the photographs and the video. Wow.

I love my floral designer. Her name is Sharla Flock. She understands me. But she's still charging me $4,000 for my flowers.

Just Relax

Tonight I had a drink. If you are planning a wedding... don't forget to occasionally have a drink. Planning a wedding is extremely stressful. And if you are in your 30s and you actually work... you are probably the main wedding planner AND you are meeting work deadlines at the same time. Has your fiancé complained that you are too distracted and too overwhelmed? Has someone, or more than one person, suggested that you hire a wedding planner to delegate tasks to even though it would cost $50 per hour? Do you find that you are constantly sleep deprived? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then you should probably have a drink... unless you have a problem with that sort of thing. Tonight I had a drink. I have a drink about once every 2 months. In general when I want to relax I do yoga, go to the gym, have intimate relations with my finacé (a hem), watch Desperate Housewives, you get the picture. But unfortuately, all of the aforementioned relaxing activities require extra time. Who has EXTRA time when you are planning a wedding? If you are planning a wedding and you find that you don't actually have EXTRA time to relax, then just have a drink. Or two. If you can have a drink and also listen to great live jazz music at the same time - even better.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Time Management

Today I planned to spend from 10 am to 2 pm shopping for bridesmaid dresses. Instead I spent from 10 am until 6:30 pm plus another half hour later in the evening on-line all devoted to this activity. What's wrong with this picture? If we can find the perfect dress, then it will be worth it. But really... it consumed my day.

A message to future brides: do not plan to do anything else while you are planning your wedding. If you can figure out how to survive without having to show up at a job during this time period, that is ideal.

Also - do not bother envisioning what you want to wear or what you want your bridesmaids to wear until you've taken yourself and your real-life bridesmaids to the stores and actually figured out what really looks good. And don't look at fabric colors on the Web. And if the stores tell you to allow 3 months for ordering the dresses, then allow 4 months. And if one of your bridesmainds shows you a picture of what she thinks will look good on her - trust that she knows her body better than you do... and don't try to morph the "look" into something else. Just go with the thing that looks good. Because you will have your wedding photos for the rest of your life... and you really want everyone to look good in them. Oh yes - and most importantly, choose to visit stores that have a lot of real estate. The bigger the store, the more variety in dresses. Hind site is 20/20.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

So much for delegating

When I started this wedding project I had made the definitive decision to ABSOLUTELY NOT design anything for my wedding. If you know me... then you know what I'm capable of doing: costume/clothing design, lighting design, interior design, graphic design including invitations - save the date cards- place cards - mailing labels - the list goes on.

Why should I not design anything? Because it's too much work, and I don't have that much time. I've made invitations for other people's weddings and other events in the past. I've curated gallery exhibits. I designed my new bathroom and acted as the general contractor on the project... it's all very energy and time consuming. I wanted to sail through this wedding planning process without the added task of having to be creative on top of all of it.

Then I started looking at Save the Date cards, just yesterday. The problem is - I want what I want. I can't walk into a store and just buy "whatever." I really want what I want. I had an appointment at Union Street Papery. The girl pulled out two boxes of sample cards and I immediately rejected all of them because they require a 2 to 3 week turnaround for offset printing and we don't have the time. So I have to print it in-house and go for the 3 day turn around. I was immediately disappointed by the sample prints from the in-house inkjet and laser printers that they showed me. But I just had to suck that up. Then I started looking at paper. I figured, if the printing was of a lesser quality I could dress it up with a nicer card design. I spent an hour and half in the store and found something that I liked which involved illustrations or illustrated design motifs. Then I saw the envelope that came with it and it was the cheapest thing I'd ever seen; the color of the envelope did not even match the color of the paper. I had to leave the store to go to a floral appointment (which you can read about in a different blog entry). After an hour-long floral appointment I schelped around to two other stationary stores trying to find something that fit my ideal: burgandy, silver, white, cute, appropriate for a Save the Date wedding card, not too crazy, ideally had metallic accents, wasn't bright red, was the right size to fit the information, came with a decent envelope, could be run through the laser printer and didn't cost more than a dollar fifty per item. Forget it. You can't find that in one day. I came across a lot of illustrations of the Golden Gate Bridge, which I liked because that is in the view from the lawn in front of the Legion where the ceremony might take place. But the illustrations were always a little strange, a little off, or not how I would have drawn them. And then I realized, that if you want something done right you have to do it yourself.

So I bought plain card stock and a very nice envelope (which cost a third of what it would cost to buy the "designed" card with the crappy envelope) and I went home and drew an illustration of the front facade of the Palace of the Legion of Honor. I'm a designer. I can't help it. It's like a compulsive thing. Once you've made something the in the way that you envision it - that's it. You always want to do it that way. Thank goodness I didn't get this epiphany when I was dress shopping. Or I'd be buried underneath an unmanageable wedding dress project right now. I think my true calling is illustration and graphic design. Because when it comes to that stuff, obviously I just can't help myself. I have to do those things exactly my way.

I'm very excited about my Legion of Honor illustration. It looks exactly how I want it to look and it's very personalized to our event. Writers and marketing people are fond of reminding you that the Save the Date card sets the "tone" for your event. I interpret that to mean that how you handle the Save the Date card is an indicator of how the remainder of the event will go. Probably true. Or maybe not. Maybe I read way too much into things. Either way - I got what I wanted: something in my color palette, with a design that is very personal and appropriate for our event. Sometimes it's good to just do it yourself. I also saved about $75 by just doing the text and layout myself as well. And John was a stellar copywrite editer on the project. He whipped that text right into shape. Why would we pay someone to do this, when we are so good at it ourselves? Maybe we should start a new business...

Monday, January 29, 2007

Cake!

We had only ONE cake tasting. And then, I wrote out the deposit check. Yes, the cake tasted that great. And well... okay... I was eager to get another item checked off my "to-do" list.

As a designer, I was more concerned about how the cake would look, than about how it would taste. This is why Elise, came along for the ride. I think that perhaps one of the most important aspects of the wedding (for Elise) is how the cake tastes. And this is a lucky thing for you (!) since you will be eating it! Only the photographer and I will care about how it looks.

Just as an aside, I have to mention that I had a great conversation with a rep from Paula DeLuc (catering). And she asked me this question at the end of our phone call, "If there was one thing that you'd want your guests to remember at the conclusion of your wedding celebration, what would it be?" I was stumped. I could not think of anything that I'd particularly want my guests to specifically remember. But after a minute, an answer came to me. However, the answer did not involve the guests. (Now you will know what is really important to me...) I said, "Well, I don't know if I care about what the guests will remember. However, I can tell you want _I_ want to remember! I want to remember that everything looked stunning! I really really care about how everything looks." Then I launced into my routine about how I am a designer and all I ever care about is how things look. If I forgot to eat for a week I wouldn't care or perhaps even notice if I could sit inside the Ritz Carlton, SF and enjoy the marble counter tops and $900 per night decor while starving. John has to frequently remind me to eat. In fact, he basically has to put food in front of me so that I will eat on time. How did I survive before John? Well, I ate a lot of packaged lunch meat and cottage cheese with canned mandrin oranges. Now I get gourmet meals 3 times a day. He just recently asked me to start chipping in to the food budget. I said that was fine, but I might have to go back to buying canned food because it's cheaper... (I'm kidding). In any case, my point is - I don't care much about food. But I care A LOT about how food looks.

Now that I have made my point about my lack of interest in food... I will completely contradict myself and say that this cake:6" and 14" Belgian milk chocolate cakes filled with Hazelnut pastry cream and whipped Belgian Milk chocolate ganache - is one of the best things I've ever tasted in my entire life. Only Kay from Beaux Gateaux could make me say that. Okay, it seems that the people at Butterfly Cakes are on par with Kay. But lucky for me, Butterfly Cakes is on maternity leave in June 2007. So that's one less vendor appointment.

And with respect to how the cake will look: Iridescent spiral drape on 14", edged in thin ribbons accented with silver and burgundy and bordered with silver ribbon; top three cakes with carved "waists", silver ribbon borders have silver fleur de lis and burgundy dots; fresh flowers to be provided by florist. If I could paste a picture here, I would. However, I don't have one. You will have to imagine what it looks like, from the words. I will say that the cake design was inspired by my dress. I sent the dress photo to Kay ahead of time, and it appeared that she did nothing but dream about how my amazing dress design could and would be translated into a cake design in the intervening 7 or so days.

Oh yes, and for those of you who think you might not want to eat the most amazing milk chocolate cake you've ever laid eyes on, then there will be this: 8" and 10" Italian cream cakes filled with Vanilla bean pastry cream and Key lime mousse, all serving 130; stacked on 18" board; all enrobed in white fondant. It's a win-win. I'm eating the chocolate. And I think I will request that the entire top layer of the cake (which is milk chocolate) be hand-delivered to my hotel room that night. And I will not bother photographing it before I eat it :)

Today we me with a photographer, and in some of her photos of past weddings we noticed that people had chosen to serve cup cakes! Can you imagine? Cupcakes are missed design opportunity. You simply cannot design a cupcake, the way you can design a "cake" serving 130 people. Have a look at Beaux Gateaux's website, and you will understand.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

What's in a date?

Think about June 17th. Does anything in particular come to mind? It's a prime number... In mid-June the days are long - thus lots of sunlight... it's summertime - what a great time for a "Wedding." Anything else? I like the number 7... there's a 7 in there...

Pretty much nothing comes to mind. It's a Clean Slate. What a great day to become our "Anniversary"... permanently. We mainly chose the date because the timing fits with my work schedule. It allows us to get married, have a leisurly honeymoon and return in time for me to start teaching the next quarter. We could have held the wedding the following Sunday, but the Rabbi preferred the 17th and it allows our honeymoon travels to be more relaxed.

Then you start telling everyone the date. It turns out that it is my housemate's parent's anniversary. It's Ilonka's friend's birthday. It's my skating instructor / hair dresser's mother's birthday. It's "June-Teenth!" For those who don't know, that's the day the slaves we're freed in Texas. Say "June-Teeth" reallly loudly and with a Southern accent... And just today... about two weeks after we decided on the date and have already told everyone we know about it... my friend Lia pointed out that it is FATHER'S DAY. Yes, June 17th, 2007 is Father's Day. Apparentlly nobody knows... You see Father's Day is a different day every year, because it is always on a Sunday.

I was not initially excited to learn that I would be getting married on Father's Day. Why? Because the day should be all about ME. Okay, it's about US. But now it's also about FATHER's. That's too confusing. I don't want that. John is a Father. Heck, half the people attending the wedding are probably Father's. EVERYBODY who will be at the wedding HAS a father. Will everyone be thinking about their Father on that day? "Congratulations on your marriage! How exciting! Oh, wait, excuse me... I have to go call my father right now... because, you know, it's Father's Day."

People do weird things with dates. They make dates "meaningful." We are trained to do this from birth. Starting with that day.... the birthday. If your birthday is Christmas, forget it. That's sensory overload. People can't handle two significant events happening on the same day. Their brains are already full with the first anniversary. You can't add a second one. So kid's born on Christmas are screwed for the rest of their life.

Then I had another friend warn me about setting the date to close to graduation time... maybe people will have conflicts. Then someone else said that maybe this is not a good time because Colin, John's son, will just be ending school for the year and starting a summer routine and that's a big change for Colin... should we be going away on a honeymoon for two weeks at that time? But if you say you're getting married in December people give you the "grimace" face. Weddings don't happen in December. They happen in Sring or Summer. So June is perfect, right? But there can be a lot of fog in San Francisco in the summer. So here, people want to get married in September. But September is when school starts, it's my birthday, it's John's son's birthday... Oh yes and don't get married on Mother's Day because your flowers will cost $8,000 instead of $4,000.

Is there any good day to get married? A day that has no inherent significance to anyone involved. A day that is made just for YOU. Given that there are only 365 days in a year, every date of the year means something to someone. But no one ever tells you about that significance under normal circumstances. My birthday has been on September 27th for 37 years. When I tell people my birthday they don't say... Oh! That's my parent's anniversay, my dog's birthday, my son's graduation, my husband's ex-cousin's hairdresser's comming-out day! They say, Happy Birthday! When you tell people the date that you're getting married, suddenly that day is everything EXCEPT your wedding day. Maybe that's because we can choose our wedding day but not our birthday?

I just spoke to my future brother in-law for about 20 seconds on the phone and mentioned that we just learned that we are getting married on Father's Day. He said, "That's Great!" And I think he really meant it. Good. Why do _ I _ think it's a problem? Am I looking for perfection here, because this is "My Wedding Day?" I'm just going to make the decision right now that there will be something imperfect about everything having to do with the wedding. Hopefully there won't be anything tragic... there will just be little imperfections about everything. There's no perfect cake, no perfect dress, no perfect location, no perfect florist, no perfect photographer, the list goes on. And there is certainly no perfect date. A date that won't pose any problems or have any conflicts for guests that have to travel to the wedding, that doesn't have a more significant meaning already, that will command perfect weather in San Francisco because the ceremony will be outside... Nothing in life is perfect. Why do brides hope for and expect perfection when it comes to their wedding day? Is it because they've been dreaming about that day since they were 6 years old? So now that I'm 37 I've had 31 years to envision what my Wedding Day will be like? This is too much pressure. Nothing is perfect. Sometimes you can get really damn close to perfection. But do you ever really attain it?

June 17th is a great day. Because as far as I am concerned, it is nothing but OUR WEDDING DAY.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Have you seen the lists?

I cannot decipher the lists. What lists, you ask? Go to www.theknot.com and sign up. Then click on "checklist." Or buy a wedding planner book from Barnes and Noble. There is not a Wedding Planning To-Do List out there with less than 50 items on it. However the average item count is more like three hundred.

I'm a motivated person. I'm an organized person. I'm even a (gasp) detail oriented person! And I cannot decipher the lists. I read them. Then I wonder, "Have I done this thing or not?" Let me give you an example. Here is a "to-do" list item from my Instant Wedding Planner book that I bought at Borders. The sub title on this book is: Get from "Will you? to "I do!" in Record Time. It's geared towards planning a wedding in six months or less (that's me!!!). On Checklist Number Two there is an item that reads: "Communicate key details to family, wedding party, and far-flung guests." I cannot actually say whether I have done this or not. Some people know about some details. Does everyone know about every detail? I don't think John has formalized arrangements with his third attendant. And I asked a couple friends from So Cal if they could attend a Monady wedding in June. Well now the wedding is on Sunday, but I'm not rushing to the phone to tell eveyone about that update. And what exactly are the "Key Details" that must be communicated? Is there another checklist that outlines "Key Details?" The lists are there to be specific and aid you in planning. But unless there is a definition provided for "Key Details" then how do I know if this item is done? So I do not check off the item on the list. And it bothers me that I can't check it off. On June 18th, that item will still not be checked off. I know what you're thinking. You're saying "so what! That's just a general guideline." in your head. But I'm very nervous that I will miss something. I'll forget an important item like the ring-bearer pillow, and Colin will then have to carry the rings in his hand which means he might then drop them in the grass while walking down the ilse and they won't be able to be found. It's a wonder that I can even sleep at night.

So today I interviewed a "Day of" Coordinator. I though that maybe she could help me decipher the lists and put my mind at ease. Her name is Leslie. John's friend Kelly used her for her wedding and recommended her. I liked Leslie because she was attentive and yet calm. I am not calm. Maybe she will rub off on me.

We also had brunch with Kelly and her husband today. They showed us their wedding album and other wedding paraphenalia. And I got to grill Kelly on what the bleep I actually need to do to make this thing happen. I went into the meeting thinking that I would be more calm once I had several of my questions answered. Instead I came out with a longer to-do list. Originally I was planning to do the "Save the Date" announcement via email. Well, I discoverd during lunch that John would acctually like to MAIL Save the Date cards because it is classier. Now I need to find a printer two months earlier than I was expecting. And apparently people host a brunch the day after the wedding. So we have to plan that too. And there has to be a wedding ceremony program, which I have to write. And Kelly and Matt had an $8,000 "film" made about them that was played at their wedding reception (this is separate from the videographer that videos the wedding). I had decided that a "film" was completely unnecessary. But Kelly said it was her favorite part of the WHOLE wedding. So, now we have to consider it. And I can't find a married person who LOVED everything about their photographer. The reports range from: "Many of the photos were blurry and the sole copy of the photos were given to us and they were then taken from us during a house burglary so we have no photos." To "We didn't provide a formal shot list so we got a lot of great candids but had to dress up and go back a month after the wedding to re-shoot." Are you kidding me? If you know someone who LOVED everything about their photographer please call me immediately.

The good news is that all of my research has resulted in confident reports that we only need to consider two caterers and two cake designers. We will consider Bon Appetit the in-house caterer for the Legion of Honor and Dan McCall who appears to have a flawless reputation among everyone. And we will taste cake at Beaux Gateaux and Butterfly Cakes. Could catering and cake really be that easy? I hope so, because the Floral Designers and Photographers are going to keep me awake at night for another month.

Speaking of Floral Designers, did you know that the most sought after floral designer in San Francisco requires a $4,000 minimum order for any weekend date? I'm lucky that she's already booked on my date. Otherwise I'd have to buy $4,000 worth of flowers that will be thrown away the day after the wedding. At least I can keep the dress!!!... which is considerably less than $4,000. The Legion of Honor is so beautiful. Why do I have to buy $4,000 worth of flowers for it?

So how do you think I'm doing on the To-Do list? Everyone that I talk to says that I'm in "Great Shape." I have a Date, a Dress, and a Location. I might have a videographer, but I didn't put down the deposit yet. I think we have an Officient. Okay. That's FIVE THINGS out of 300. So I should rest easy tonight (insert smiley face here).

Thursday, January 11, 2007

"The Date" is June 17th, 2007

We found a location, a date, a wedding dress, an officiant, and a videographer all within 6 days! Wow. John and I should plan weddings for a living. We're getting married on June 17th, 2007 at 5:45pm at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco. I will wear a Justin Alexandar dress (style not to be named to keep some things a surprise...)

I loved the James Leary Flood Mansion as well. It probably has the most perfect set up for a ceremony. But ultimately the "flow" of the rooms at the Flood was not as ideal as the Legion Cafe and Sculpture Garden spaces combined for a reception. And then there is the fact that John has a clear preference for the Legion. And I've always wanted to get married in an Art Museum. And while I'm at it, I will mention that ultimately the Flood Mansion would cost twice as much as the Legion. But that's not why the Legion is the winner. When you head up the hill to the Legion, step out of your car, and walk towards the stately colunmns that create the facade of the Legion of Honor, you will understand why the Legion is the winner.

Save the Date!

Record Time!

I chose a wedding dress in FIVE DAYS. Can you believe it? I am so proud of myself. Last Friday I went to Amy Kuschel (the Kate Moss dress shop). On Saturday Elise, Toby and I went first to Paris Connection and then to La Boutique Des Brides - both in the Gift Center on Brannan Street. I was expecting to love "Hilda" at La Boutique. Everyone who reviewed her on the Web loved her. Indeed she is probably a lovely lady. But she is not the one who helped me try on dresses. An assistant with a heavy asian accent that I couldn't deicpher helped me. She was nice enough. But the dresses were all POLYESTER. What's wrong with polyester you ask? Well... go try on a wedding dress... in polyester. Then try on one in silk dupione. And you will have your answer.

Marie at Paris Connection ended up having "my dress." But like a good little anxious bride... I didn't buy it on the spot. I fretted over it. I wondered if it really was "right" for me. I looked at photos of it online and temporarily decided that the design actually looked "wacky." Oh, yes, did I mention that the sample I tried on was red? It exists in "natural" (read: off-white). But Marie didn't have it. Alas, as a result of my nervous nature, I managed to figure out that Papers and Petals in Burlingame had a sample of the dress in "Natural." So on Tuesday morning I hussled down there and tried it on. I loved it. But then I had to revisit the idea that maybe I shouldn't be completely strapless all night (and this dress is definately strapless)... does strapless really look that good on me? Well, the very inexperienced but nice sales girl at Papers and Petals made the much needed observation that I actually look best in strapless because I have the boobs for it(!) I think her exact words were, "So many girls would pay the BIG BUCKS to have your breasts." That's when I was finally sold. But I didn't buy the dress from her. I had made the astutue observation that Papers and Petals retailed the dress for $210 less than Paris Connection. But I was concerned that the inexperienced sales girl there wouldn't measure me correclty or order the right size. So I made some noises about needing to get the right credit card and calling back later. Then I promptly called Marie at Paris Connection, the minute I got home. Marie agreed to order the dress for me at $250 less than her price tag. Who knew that you could bargain on wedding dresses!!! What a find.

I should also mention that Elise and I visited Marina Morrison on Saturday afternoon. Everything in the shop was $5,000 to $6,000. Oh yes, and there was ONE dress that we both liked. And because of the beading... it had to be ordred yesterday. I think the sales girl said that if I ordered it "within a day or two", it would be okay. Who buys a $5,800 dress after thinking about the purchase for "a day or two." That was too much pressure for me. I didn't know that the minimum ordering time on a wedding dress was 6 months. John proposed on December 20, 2006. And we're getting married on June 17, 2007. That's already less than 6 months from the day he proposed. So we are late late late with everything. I thought I had a couple weeks to decide on a dress, at least. But no. I had about 5 days from the day I started looking. The good news is that I am in love with my dress. It's not the cheapest dress (read: not polyester) but it's not $6,000 from Mariana Morrison either.

So I hussled back down to Marie's boutique in the Gift Center last night to get measured. And voila! It was done! I have a dress. And it is a dress that a costume designer would be proud of!

Saturday, January 6, 2007

I'm exhausted

John and I have seen two locations, and I've been to four dress shops - all within the last 2 days. I'm exhausted. On the one hand I want to see EVERYTHING. On the other hand, I want to have everthing decided.

The Palace of the Legion of Honor was our first visit yesterday. John is in love with it. He was ready to write the check. It's French, it's art, AND it has an ajacent golf course. I think that John is planning a golf excursion right before the ceremony. The Legion is one of my top choices. Most people don't even know that you can rent it out. On the other hand, Saturday's book up a year in advance! So everyone knows about it, and no one knows about it. You can have the ceremony in the Court of Honor, or you can have it on the Balustrade lawn. John made the decision already. It's definately the balustrade lawn - which overlooks the ocean and the Golden Gate Bridge. However, I like the architecture of the Court of Honor. Tonight I decided that we are getting married under the archway in the Court of Honor - facing the direction of the city. I don't know if it's been done before, but I decided that we are doing it. It's like a massive built-in Chuppah... with a view. We're going to see the Flood Mansion as a possibility as well. But do you ever get that feeling? You know, that "feeling" when you know it's going to be "the thing?" I was thinking that I was going to like the Hamlin Mansion better because it's cozy and a historical mansion. But I didn't. I actually thought it felt a little cramped, and didn't have a good "flow." Flow is important. Spaciousness is important. Choreography of the space is very important. The Court of Honor at the Legion is "choreographed," if you know what I mean.

Today I learned that I don't like polyester on a wedding dress. The one salon that I thought I would like the most (based on web-based reviews), I liked the least - because everything that they showed me was polyester. Polyester doesn't have a personality. On the otherhand at a different store I found a Justin Alexandar dress in silk dupione that I think might be "it." If I don't count a 30 minute visit yesterday to Amy Kuschel's salon (who basically designs for Kate Moss and those who weigh within a 5 pound range of her) it's practially the first dress that I tried on. Hm... there seems to be a theme here... the Legion was the first place we toured, and the Justin Alexandar was almost the first dress that I tried on. It had that "it" feeling. Now if I could just go with that feeling, everything would be so much... but alas I will probably spend a day at Bridal Galleria, sweating and fretting and wondering what else is out there. And we will tour the Flood Mansion before putting down a deposit on the Legion of Honor. Don't ask me why. It's as if I have to be sure, even though we're already sure.

I'm exhaused. I'm obsessed, and I'm exhausted. Can I try on 20 more dresses? Do I need to see the Kohl Mansion in Burlingame? Is there a bigger, better, brighter location out there? I've known since I was in my early 20s that I wanted to get married in an art museum. And when I put on the Justin Alexandar dress today, I felt like it was made for me. You don't get that feeling too often with today's fashions. I found a dress at the Amy Kuschel studio yesterday that was gorgeous. But I came home thinking that I should loose 10 pounds so that my arms would look skinnier. When I put on the Justin Alexandar dress I felt like my body was perfect in everyway. It's also more than $1,000 less than the Amy Kuschel dress, and about $4,000 less than the dress that Elise and I liked the most at Marina Morrison. But it's not because it cost less that I like the dress... it just felt like "me." It has drama. So what do you think? Is that the dress for me?

Hm... as soon as I settle on a location and a dress, then I can relax! Oh wait... I have a cake tasting on the 21st, and I have to talk to the caterer, and Kelly Moser said that her fabulous florist books up early so I better call her right now. Did I mention that all the dress shops said that I had to choose my dress within the next two weeks if not sooner??? Then there is the invitations, we have to register, make a website, send out an engagement announcement AND save the date notes, finalize my guest list which I haven't even done yet, find a photographer, videographer, music, officiator, wedding-day coordinator... I keep looking for a comprehensive list of everything that needs to be addressed... oh wait, the Chuppah, my shoes, jewelry that matches the dress, the men's outfits, the marriage license... okay my head is going to explode. City hall is sounding really great right now.