Perfection

No one under the sun is more concerned with perfection than a woman in her 30s who is getting married for the first time.

Yesterday I went to a fabulous store in the Gift Center on Brannan called Hyegraph that specializes in wedding invitations. This store offers a 20 percent discount off of the total cost of your order if you mention the "Here Comes the Guide" website. I knew immediately that this was "my" store.

When I arrived, I discoverd that not only do they do wedding invitations, but they also sell ring bearer pillows, guest books, guest book pens, photo albums, the list goes on. It's a one-stop shop for all your wedding trinket needs. I had to resist the urge to buy a ring bearer pillow on the spot. I figured it might be good to buy it when the fiance and I return together.

While I was browsing through the five hundred books of wedding inivitation designs my attention was drawn to a couple sitting at the next table who was placing their invitation order. Originally I took note of them because I heard them say that their wedding date was June 16th, one day before mine. My first thought was, "Great! I'm finally ON TIME with something." If _they_ are just now placing there invitation order, then I'm not late in placing mine. I could tell by the look of the couple, that THEY woudn't do anything late.

As the couple's invitation ordering conversation continued with the sales person, I overheard a few bits and pieces. They wanted THIS to be olive colored but not THAT. And they complained about the the fact that figuring out the wording was the most difficult part of the whole invitation ordering process. At the end of the conversation the groom said,"One more thing to check off our to-do list!"

It's like a club that you join... The Wedding Planning Club. Everyone in the Wedding Planning Club has a "To-Do" List and your sole purpose in life from the minute you get engaged until the moment you say "I Do" is to check things off of the "To Do" list. You have no other purpose in life. You are ruled by The List and The Due Dates and Deposits and the Balances Due. You don't pay attention to your career. You forget to socialize. You only go to the gym because your arms will look fat in your strapless gown if you don't. You pay attention to the people who are in your wedding party and the parents who are making financial contributions, and ignore everyone else. And you check, check, check things off your To-Do list. Sometimes you do things, just so you can check them off the list. Sometimes you check things off the list that you don't plan to do and will never do, just because it feels really good to put a check in a box on "The List."

So this couple was IN the club... basking in the glory of another checked-off list item. But alas, just as the guy was beginning to feel some sense of relief as they put that all-important "check" next to the "Order Wedding Invitations" line item, his fiance started complaining about her ring. I couldn't hear the entire conversation. But I did hear the most imporant and poinient part. The bride said, "We HAVE to go to back the jeweler because I really DO NOT like how the stone is placed in the setting!" When I heard this I wanted to explode with laughter. Was she kidding? She said it with such angst and disdain. She was clearly focused on nothing other than the probably totally imperceptable imperfection of the exact placement of her stone in her ring's setting. There was nothing else in her mind or in her life other than this imperfection. She couldn't even bask in the relief of checking off a major "To Do" from her list. The very second that they finished ordering their invitations, she began complaining! The groom responded with some vague reassurances. In that moment I thought that the groom should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for putting up with this woman and her absurd fixation. The bride stood up from the table and went to the sales girl at the counter. She asked with pointed urgency, "So when will this order be called in? Will it be tomorrow?!?!" The implied message was that the order better be called in tomorrow or else there would be hell to pay. Again I lauged internally at the absurdity of the bride's urgency with every detail. The sales girl made some noises about how the store owner was out sick so she didn't know exactly when the order would be called in. I thought for a moment that the bride would explode. I could sense her desire to explode, in fact. "Oh my, why is he sick? Is he okay???" She didn't care about the store owner. She cared about her invitations, and moreover the timeliness of the ordering of her invitations. The groom leaned over and gave the bride the sweetest, most endearing kiss on the forehead. What is it that allows men to be able to put up with the insanity of the 30-something bride? I could tell just by looking at this woman that nothing was perfect enough, nothing was fast enough, and nothing was satisfying enough for her. The poor thing. I was so glad in that moment that I was not her. And then... of course I realized... that I am her.

For the past four days I have looked at my two front teeth in my rearview mirror of my car just about every 30 seconds or whenever the traffic patterns would allow. I can't decide if the color is okay. And I need to look at them five hundred times every day to figure out if I should go back to the dentist or not. When I was looking through the books of invitations, I kept asking if there was another book with this sort of thing or that sort of thing that I could look at. What was put in front of me was not good enough. I kept wanting there to be something else. Something better. Something different. Something - perfect. Thank goodness my fiance picked out the ring on his own. I love the ring, exactly how it is, because he picked it out. If I had had to pick it out, we'd still be looking at rings. And I'd be going back to the jeweler every other day having the stone re-set and re-re-set and re-re-re-set. But because my fiance picked it out, it's perfect as-is. It's the sentimentality factor. If he does it, it's sentimental and perfect. If I do it, it cost too much and no amount of human inspired craftsmanship is perfect enough - not in cosmetic dental work, not in the setting of stones in a ring, not in the graphic design or printing of Save the Date cards, not in anything. Nothing is good enough.

I cannot figure out why brides are chronically dissatisfied, eternally anxious about planning, and expect the precision of brain surgeons from every wedding vendor they encounter. The sales person said to the couple, "I always tell people that it's only ONE DAY." I guess that's code for "chill out, bitch" - which is what she probably really wanted to say to the bride. And here I thought I was the only person on the face of the earth who was obsessing about details. At least I've never questioned whether or not my stone was properly put in it's setting. Whew - one less thing to worry about.

I didn't actually order any invitations yesterday. I found some things that I liked at that store. But I didn't find anything that was perfect.

Absurdities

Okay. Yesterday I spent THREE HOURS painting silver glitter on the Save the Date cards.

Right now I am trying to format address labels for the Save the Date cards so that they line up properly in my make-shift microsoft word template so that I can print them to my fiance's printer that is running out of ink...

Last week I paid two thousand dollars to have veneers put on my top two front teeth so that they can finally be the same color. You see, they haven't been the same color since I was about 10 years old. Somehow I acquired a partially dead tooth. I never cared. Until now. I want to be able to smile freely on my wedding day and know that that the photos will look o-kay. So I paid two thousand dollars and suffered through three weeks of embarassment (more on that later). On Friday, I got my new teeth. The only problem is, they still aren't the same color. Apparently veneers are not entirely opaque. Who knew? So, although the veneers are actually the same color, they are not the same color in my mouth. So I'm two thousand dollars poorer, and my teeth are still two different colors. What is wrong with this picture?

As I was stuffing the Save the Date cards, I noticed that one envelope got mangled as it went through the printer, and 19 of the envelopes were printed on the wrong paper stock.

I've asked my fiance upwards of 25 times for his mailing adresses. I still don't have them.

I've decided to start lifting upper body weights, because I'm wearing a strapless gown. Maybe I should just stop eating for 4 months. Then my arms will look great, and I won't have to go to the gym.

My fiance asked me today if I wanted to register for fine china and/or silver. I have no idea what I want to register for. What should a couple in their late 30s / early 40s register for? We already have two entire households. Can we register for a new house altogether with low property taxes and two separate offices?

Yesterday the six year old girl who is the daughter of one of my bridesmaids and also the flower girl in the wedding saw the Save the Date cards spread out all over the dining room table. She asked me if I was marrying my fiancé, my fiancé's ex-wife, my fiancé's son, or my fiancé's dog. She wasn't exactly sure who I was marrying. I told her that I was marrying my fiancé. She replied, "You shouldn't marry him, you should marry the dog."

My dress is here!

I ordered my dress one month ago. And I _just_ now got a call from Marie at Paris Connection telling me that my dress is here! I'm so excited! Now it really feels like I'm getting married! My dress is here! I'm so excited! Wait... did I tell you that I'm excited! I have to add some more exclamation points!!!!!!!! It's supposed to take 6 months to get a wedding dress. That took 1 month. Wow. How exciting.

Priorities

On my makeshift desk here at John's house I have four bills: a PG&E bill, a health insurance premium bill, the Florist's contract/deposit bill, and the bill for the wedding website domain name registration. I only have two checks in my purse. Which two bills do you think I paid? Correct! I paid the florist's deposit to reserve her services on our wedding date and I paid for the wedding website domain name registration so that the wedding website wouldn't be shut down. Who cares if the heat and gas get shut off or if my health insurance runs out???

Who Knew?

Did you know that you can have a bridesmaid's dress made from scratch for about a third of the cost of ordering a dress from a store, paying for a rush fee to ensure enough time for alterations, and then the cost of the alterations? Future brides - call a local seamstress and have a conversation with her as part of your dress shopping research. This approach may not be good if your bridesmaids are all over the country. But if they are all local - it may be worth your while. We are having our dresses made. It's not as expensive as you'd think it would be. And it's actually easier than dealing with the stores. Maybe I just happened upon a phenomenal seamstress. If you live in San Francisco let me know - and I'll pass her name along.

Taking Votes

Now I can't decide... should the "Save the Date" card say...

Save the Date!
Bride and Groom (first names only - names removed to keep some semblance of privacy here...)
Are Getting Married

or should it say...

Save the Date!
Your presence is requested at the wedding of
Bride (first and last names)
And
Groom (first and last names)


I've got two votes for the first option and one vote for the second option...

Floral Design

The services of a floral designer either cost $1500 or $4000. There is nothing in between. You can either buy JUST bouquets and boutineers (sp?) for $1500, or you can do the expected amount of floral design for $4000. When I read on Nancy Liu Chin's website that her minimum order was $4,000 for a Saturday or Sunday booking.. I actually gasped. Out loud. I thought that spending $2,000 on my dress was a splurge. Ouch. If you are wearing a dupione silk dress and your wedding is at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco, do you think it's okay to not have flower arrangements on the dinner tables? I didn't think so. Pretty much... you have to have the flowers. But here's my question... where do you think my $4,000 worth of flowers will be on June 18th... the day after my wedding??? Well, I guess they will eternally look good in the photographs and the video. Wow.

I love my floral designer. Her name is Sharla Flock. She understands me. But she's still charging me $4,000 for my flowers.